Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:25 pm
the story of my life as a Scilon
I was born in 1981 to Scientologist parents. My mom had just left the SO, from CCI. I guess she was trying to raise my younger brother and I as if we were in the SO. We had a regimented schedule and strict rules. We weren’t allowed to eat anything she deemed unhealthy, which was just about everything. We went to school starting when we were 3. She didn’t believe in things like summer vacation or spring break. She also didn’t believe in doctors, so we didn’t get any medical attention, vaccines, stuff like that. We were never given children’s Tylenol or anything.
Mom wouldn’t let us go to friends houses to play, or have them over to our house, except on very rare occasions. She had white glove standards, and we spent a lot of time cleaning. She was a typical Scientologist parent in that she viewed us as “out exchange” by nature of being her children. She clothed and fed us, so we owed her. My dad spent most of his time working out of town, he wasn’t around much when I was younger.
Mom was kind of unhinged even for a Scientologist – she lost her temper and got really violent. She would do things like sit on me and spit in my face while she was punching me and calling me names at the top of her lungs. She was pretty crazy. Now that I look back I realize that’s probably why we weren’t allowed to have friends.
We also moved a lot – once a year, at least, and sometimes we would only live in a town for 6 months. So that made schooling and friends kind of hard, too. My brother and I spent a lot of time reading and ignoring the rest of the world.
We went to Real School in Florida, I think we went to Apple School very briefly. We went to Delphi LA from about 1998 – 1990. We went to the California Ranch School (a sort of bastard cousin of the Mojave Ranch school) in 1992. We went to the Learning Connection from 1994-ish to 1995ish. (I’m the one that wanted to name the big kid school Neilsen Academy.) A lot of the time we didn’t go to school at all, so I didn’t get much of an education. I never took a Science class, or a computer class, and never really learned to multiply until recently. My mom believed that school was completely unimportant. We needed to be on course at the org.
I was getting auditing when I was 4, just kid stuff. I did STCC and other small courses at CCI. I started the KTL when it first came out in 1998. I was only 7 and my brother was 6. We only made it to the beginning of Small Common Words, because it was way too hard. Then we were routed onto the Purif. I went on and off the purif over the next 2 years. I kept quitting because I hated it. I ended up on really high doses of niacin, more than most of the grownups, and then they finally realized that I was overrun. I was only about 9 at the time. Then I think we went onto TRs and Objectives, and failed miserably. I couldn’t do 2 hours of OT TR 0 without starting to fall asleep. Everything was just way to hard. My mom kept telling everyone how genius we both were, but it was sooo out gradient. I don’t really remember what we did after that, I know we bounced from course to course and sometimes got auditing, both in the field and at the org. I didn’t like any of it. Mom made me go even when I begged her not to.
I got in some trouble at CC. I was ALWAYS in Ethics, writing up O/Ws, doing conditions, stuff like that. I kicked and screamed and jumped out windows trying to escape, to no avail. My friend Gillian showed me how to steal candy from the canteen, that was like the worst thing I ever did. Eventually I confessed, paid back the like 8-10 dollars I owed, and did MEST work to make it up. Looking back, I don’t know why they thought I was such an aweful child. My parents told them I was. I was horribly angry all the time. But that’s because they were hurting me.
I went to Delphi LA from about 7 to 9 years old. I think my parents loved it because we were gone all day. Mom would forget to pick us up after school, she would show up around 6 or 7 instead of 5. After homework and chores we went straight to bed. That was a very bad school. I spent a lot of time in the classroom doing work, but I didn’t actually learn much. You see, I was already a big reader, I read for fun. But I had missed so much school that the math was too hard for me. I never could understand it. My teachers would tell me to find my MUs, and wouldn’t ever talk to me enough to realize that it was out gradient. I finally gave up and accepted that I wouldn’t graduate the form and stopped trying. I was sent to ethics a lot. Diana Greeve (?) was the ethics officer then. She would tell me to write up my O/Ws and leave me in the closet room all day, no lunch break or anything. I would tell her that I was done and felt better, but she would always say “no you’re not” and make me write more. I started just making stuff up. One day I told my teacher, I think it was Mrs. Hill, that I couldn’t sit down because my dad had beat me so bad. I had bruises all over my legs. She sent me to the principle and then they sent me to Diana. I thought I was in big trouble! Then they called my parents. That got me in really hot water at home. After that I didn’t go to Delphi anymore.
Then I disappeared for about a year, when my parents moved to Arizona and I went to boarding school in Riverside (Gavilan Hills aka Cali Ranch School, run by John and Carlynn McCormick). There we didn’t actually do any schoolwork. I just ran around in the dirt, got beat up by bigger kids, got in fights with the ones that I thought I could take, and ate very little. I shudder to think about my hygiene at that point. There was only one bathroom for the school (it was in their house) and never any hot water. So I never bathed or brushed my teeth. I fell in the creek sometimes but that was it for being clean. Ugh!
This is the hardest thing to write, but it’s part of the story. I wouldn’t tell about it, but I have been reading other kids’ stories and finally realized that I’m not the only one who was being sexually abused. My rape didn’t happen in the SO though. My dad started abusing me when I was 6. I told my mom after the first time it happened (not that she could miss the marks from the belt and stuff) but she freaked. She told me it was my fault, and that I was lying, and no one would believe me anyway. Her logic sucked I know, but I was 6 so I believed her. She told me not to make things up. I think he was doing drugs because he was like 2 different people. Sometimes he was my best friend. Sometimes he beat me up. It was weird. I never told anyone while I was living at home. After the incident at Delphi, and some other conversations I had where I was treated like _I_ was at fault for being hit, I knew better than to tell anybody about it. Anyway he said he would kill me and bury me in the backyard if I did. I believed him. I still think he meant it. At least, when he was being the angry dad he did. Everyone said I was a bad kid, so I didn’t want them to know just how bad I was. I finally told an auditor later on, but they didn’t do anything. Now I hate knowing that that is all in my PC folder for anyone to find. Even my mom could look at it at any time.
When I was about 13, we switched over to ASHO because mom started on the BC. Everything continued in about the same vein. I “volunteered” for the CF project (thanks mom!) and was getting my objectives in the HGC despite literally trying to run away every time I was in session. Sometimes they posted a guard outside the door. It sucked. I liked course much better, and I actually enjoyed switching to co-auditing.
One of the things that makes me mad, looking back, is how I kept telling people at the org about how my parents were hitting me and they didn’t care. In fact, I was always having to get it off as a withhold, so I was treated like it was something that I did wrong. No one ever pulled them in to ethics, and no one ever reported them. Of course that would have been against Scientology rules anyway.
I signed my first SO contract when I was 12. I didn’t want to join. Dave Horwedel and some other guy took me in a small room, the one off the lobby of ASHO that was at one point the chaplain’s office and once the SORO’s (after the renos it turned into the RTC front office). They said they wouldn’t let me go until I signed a contract. They wouldn’t let me get my mom. So I signed so that I could get away. My mom flipped and said I couldn’t join until I was 18. But I ended up changing my mind eventually. Looking back I realize that it was partly because my home life was so bad. I thought things would be better in the SO, and at least no one would hit me anymore. Plus I was really eager to be a grown-up. Also over those next several years, everyone at the orgs was working on me to join, telling me how I had to take responsibility for planet Earth, stuff like that. I was working as a contracted volunteer for Pac Renos for about 6 months. I worked with Cameron and Christa Crest in Arts and Signs. I really liked it. My brother and I both had a pretty rosy picture of what it was like in the SO. We thought it was like being a Jedi or something. You know, elite, special, the uniforms were cool. Stacey Moxon was a friend of mine and although she wasn’t actively recruiting me, she told me lots of good stories about it. (Yeah I know she's dead, but I didn't find out until after I left the SO they just said she was "still uplines".)
My mom was cheating on my dad, she had her boyfriend move in with us. He was creepy. My dad was really sick at the time. He would get mad and leave home a lot. I really hated how life was there. She wasn’t hitting me really anymore, neither was my dad, but they were both beating the crap out of my brother, throwing him across the room, choking him, over stupid things like not eating his spinach. I hated it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was doing really badly in school anyway, I knew I would be lucky to graduate high school and I had no idea what I would do with my life.
So one day I walked into the recruiter’s office and told them that I wanted to join. I got routed onto the EPF the next day.
I liked the EPF. I was kept so busy running left and right that I had no time to think at all, much less miss my brother. (Now I know that they do that on purpose in the SO.) I got along really well with Mr. Garrett. I did everything I was told to do with no back talk, I did the courses faster than checksheet time, I never once complained about the gross chores we had to do like scrub the dumpsters or empty the grease trap under the galley (that made me vomit involuntarily, tho, it was so disgusting!) So Mr. Garrett liked me and never yelled at me. At some point Janelle Shipp came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go to HCO. I didn’t know what it was. I was slated to go to the TTC. But I told her I didn’t care. I really didn’t. I didn’t know then what jobs were treated better or what orgs had more prestige. CMO and ASHO were actually fighting over me (not that I was special they were fighting over a lot of recruits), but I didn’t care. CMO was supposed to get me, and I was told I would go to the Universe Corps, because Stacey was officially my recruiter. But ASHOD got me because they were under a mission to go St Hill size. (That never happened until right after I left, anyway.)
About a year after I joined, my little brother did too. But by then my parents had gone to the Freewinds and FSO, so he joined there. Oh yeah, and around my 16th birthday I got a day off, and that’s when my mom told me they were getting a divorce. They didn’t tho because my dad didn’t want to. My mom left him, but he paid for her to go on the bridge full time, go to the Freewinds, stuff like that. He had a lot of money and she spent all of it. She got in really big trouble at the org for sleeping with her BC twin. But she donated to Superpower, and the IAS, and sponsored a mission, so they loved her again.
So yeah, I went to HCO ASHOD. There I found out how much the SO could suck. I was yelled at all day every day. This is because I was not a good worker. I mean, I could happily do any job you told me to, but I couldn’t think for myself. If you told me to “get the staff hatted” (I was the Hat Off for a bit) it was too long range and complicated. I was like a robot. I was in such shock, anyway, that I just spaced out all the time. Also I was really tired. I never got any sleep, and when I did I had insomnia anyway. My seniors were positive that I was out ethics and out 2D and kept pulling me in for interviews and yelling at me. But I was just a stupid kid who was in over her head.
Oh yeah, and I got married. I was 16 and we went to Vegas. I thought I was in love. I didn’t have a clue. I got my parents’ permission by blackmailing them. I knew if I got married, I would be emancipated, and they could never tell me what to do again. My mom was threatening to remove me from the SO and make me come home (by force). I was terrified of that. I married a guy who I thought was cool. He was the first boy who ever asked me out. He was 19. But for some reason after we got married he did a 180. He stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t let me sit with him in the mess hall or stand next to him at muster. He wouldn’t let me be with him on our days off, in fact he switched days off so we didn’t have the same ones. He pushed me around a lot in the name of playing, but it hurt. He gave me a concussion once by accident. We would go weeks without speaking, just having random sex in the middle of the night, which confuses me to this day. He almost acted like it was rape or something, it was certainly not loving or fun. Maybe that was my fault, because of my history. I don’t know. I was really unhappy but I kept trying to be a good wife, do his laundry and stuff. I didn’t understand what was wrong and I still don’t really. I think maybe he thought I was cheating on him or something? I wasn’t though. He bought me flowers a couple of times so I think he wanted to try but... I don't know.
Eventually I retreaded the EPF, which was once again fine. I wished I could just stay on the EPF forever. But I graduated and went to Senior HCO WUS as an expeditor. Then they traded me to CCI for about a month, where I did room service, got about 1-2 hours of sleep every night, and never met a single one of the crew at the Manor because I was totally isolated. That fell through anyway, and I went back to ASHO.
I had a bunch of posts for a while. Folder Admin, stuff like that. Years passed. The best time I ever had was when I was doing construction on the AO renos or getting to carry a radio on Event Call-In. I smoked a lot, stayed up for days on end for mandatory all-hands, rarely ate. Probably the worst moment ever was being interviewed by an RTC guy, because I was named in a string-pull having to do with “enemy lines”. Oh man, if I ever wondered if I could be broken and confess to anything, that was the answer. If I had had any secrets about the SO I would have spilled my guts. He kept telling me I was being declared because I couldn’t remember who said what. I cried the whole time. Eventually I made something up, just to name a name. I feel bad about it now.
Then I went on the TTC. I trained up through Pro Sup and Pro Word Clearer with RTC passes on everything. But the problem was that I hadn’t done M1, which was a prereq for those courses, so I couldn’t actually finish and go on the internship. But I wasn’t okayed by the CS to get M1. No one knew what to do.
At this point everything fell apart. I was getting no sleep. I was sick constantly. I remember being in isolation for over a month once. I had fevers every day. Because we weren’t allowed to take anything, no medication, no ibuprofen or anything, they just continued. I had fevers about 106 degrees. At one point I lay on a couch for about 9 hours totally paralysed, unable to speak or move, because my temp was so high. I literally thought I was dying. I was terrified. When I finally felt better, I got up and checked it and it was 105. I went to Shaw Health Center. I took a 3 hour bus ride to some slum hospital in the middle of nowhere, alone except for another sick girl who was about 16. At the hospital they said they couldn’t treat me without my parents. But my parents had moved to Flag. I think they might have been on the Freewinds at the point, actually. I don’t remember. But I told them I was married, so they sent me back to the adult area. But they kept sending me back and forth. Finally a doctor gave me a CAT scan and said nothing was wrong with me. Everyone kept saying nothing was wrong with me. But I couldn’t stop puking, and fainting, all day long. I was way stressed out. I kept begging for help, but everyone said to knock it off, because it was all in my head.
[On a side note, recently I found out that there WERE things wrong with me. I had asthma. I had ulcers and GI problems. I had brain damage due to blows to the head and untreated high fevers. (This resulted in hearing loss, auditory processing disorder where your nerves don’t communicate sound into words, memory problems, and other fun things.) I also had Mono at one point, which would explain the exhaustion!! I also have really bad PTSD – full on flashbacks, nightmares, hyperventilating, things like that.]
Finally I blew. I walked across Hollywood, about 12 miles, overnight. I ended up in a park by the house I had used to live in. I wanted to kill myself. I had a knife and everything. But then I was just really tired and changed my mind. I went back to PAC and turned myself in to security. I know it was dumb, but I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t have a single friend or relative to go to. I thought maybe I could try and find my half sister who was in Oregon somewhere, but I didn’t have the $90 for a bus ticket. I just gave up. I went to bed and locked the door.
I came out the next day and was told to go back on post. (The CO of ASHO liked me I think, we were sort of friendly to each other, and they were pushing to go St Hill size. Plus, they had so much invested in me as a TTCer.) I refused. I told them that I was not doing well, and that I needed help, whether it was ethics or auditing or whatever. I was told to retread the EPF again, but I told them that the EPF was not for downstats. Then they put me on a Sec check. At first, I had an auditor that I hated. I don’t remember who he was. He would just hammer and hammer and hammer me until I cried. Then someone came in and stopped him and gave me a new auditor. I liked it because finally someone was listening to me. I was put on 24 hour watch, which sucked so bad!! I slept on a mattress in a closet behind Leb Hall auditorium. Another teenage girl whose name I forget followed me everywhere, even to the bathroom. It made me feel really degraded. They kept telling me I was, anyway. I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone, even my husband. Not that I wanted to talk to him, anyway.
Finally I confessed in session that I had been cutting my wrists. I had told them this before, but I guess someone watching on the camera finally figured out I was serious about the suicide thing and freaked. Some people came and interrupted the session. The MAA (Stuart Huff who was actually my friend) told me I was leaving base and to pack my stuff. I just shrugged. I was really defeated and apathetic. I didn’t really take anything because I was planning on going to Venice beach, living out of my backpack, and figuring out a way to commit suicide that wouldn’t leave a mess for someone to clean up or traumatize some stranger who found my body. (I couldn’t think of a way to not do that.) They put me in an interview room and gave me a bunch of bonds and contracts to sign. I had to agree never to sue, never to tell any secrets I knew, stuff like that, I don’t really know because I didn’t read them. There wasn’t any point – they told me that I would be kept in the room until I signed, and I knew they meant it. Then Security called my parents, who were back in LA. They handed me over to them. I never said goodbye to anyone. It took about 2-3 hours total from start to finish.
I lived with them for a couple of years. Things started to get better. At least, I could get up off the floor in the morning. I got a job and started building a resume. I learned to drive and got a license. I didn’t see my mom much because she had left my dad and was living at Flag full time (on his money tho). Then my dad got sick. Dr. Denk from Shaw came. He said that my dad had cancer, that he had 3 weeks to live, that chemo and stuff was pointless. So my dad said “ok” and laid down and died. He said he was going to find a new body with OT Scientologist parents, that were musicians because that’s what he wished he was. My mom came home and my brother visited for a few days. Then he died. (That was the only time I saw my brother.)
My mom joined the Sea Org again after that. She just walked away. I got rid of all their household stuff and eventually moved out into my own apartment. I moved around a lot and eventually I realized that I needed to leave California. It was just too upsetting to me. Anyway my mom was showing up on my doorstep and yelling at me like I was still a bad little kid. I was like 21 at this point. So I made some friends out of state and moved away.
I had a devil of a time adjusting to “the real world”. I didn’t even know how to speak proper English without Scientology terms. I had been told such stories about crime and how bad the world outside was, that I was terrified of it. I was just MORE terrified of Scientology. My husband says I’m from Mars, and that’s the best way to try and explain it. It really is like being from a different planet. I didn’t get pop culture references, I didn’t know how to do normal, everyday stuff. I was afraid to hold still or relax, because I was so used to running everywhere and being screamed at if I stopped. I ate at like, a million miles an hour. I was always afraid of my food being taken away. I actually lost a lot of weight because my body finally realized that it wasn’t going to starve anymore. So it stopped holding on to every calorie I got. I still had problems with cutting and being afraid and depressed. I had bad panic attacks. I was really scared that my mom was going to kidnap me back to the org, or that I was wrong and had doomed myself to an eternity of hell, stuff like that. Whenever I start doubting my decision, I would just remember how happy I was compared to then, and how I knew that they were lying to me, just it took some time for my heart/gut to catch up to my head.
I started taking Paxil about a year ago. It had immediate results. I felt wonderful. The nightmares became infrequent. I don’t have panic attacks like I used to. I’m not so depressed that I can’t get out of bed, in fact I’m downright happy. It hasn’t made me a different person, I’m just more free to be myself. It took me a long time to be willing to try a psych drug. It was actually a very hard step for me. But my best friend was taking an anti-depressant and she was neither crazy nor a zombie. I’m SO glad I did. Now I KNOW that I was lied to all my life about something that helped me more than auditing ever did!
Since then I met a really great guy and married him. I have nothing to do with Scientology or Scientologists in any way. I have a son that I love. I stay home taking care of him. I have been going to college, and have been promised an art scholarship at the university when I am ready. Life is better than I ever DREAMED it could be when I was growing up. I do stuff for FUN. I go camping, and sing, and some days I just sit around and watch tv and do NOTHING. I eat fast food and chocolate whenever I want. I am learning to cook food that is healthy AND tasty (my husband is teaching me). I’m never hungry although I still have moments when I have to hoard food or candy to make myself relax. I talk to whoever I want to. I sleep when I am tired. I can get in my car and go anywhere I want, whenever I feel like it. No one yells or screams at me. All in all, life ROCKS.
I don’t speak to my mother. I actually disconnected from her. I know that is backwards for most people. But every time we talked she would try to “handle” me. She kept accusing me of having crimes and heinous overts. She wanted me to get an abortion and come back to the SO. Now she would prefer I leave my husband and come back. But I never will. She was not interested in being my mom back when I was a child, anyway. To be honest I still haven’t forgiven her for how she treated me back then. So finally I told her that I was tired of her trying to force me back to Scientology and I changed my phone number. She still has my address but it is too far for her to just show up. I guess I should have tried to repair our relationship. But I don’t want to have one with her. And I’m waaaay happier being in charge of my own life, and not talking to her. I am happier focusing on my husband and son and not even thinking about Scientology. Those are the best days.
I just wish I could see my brother. He doesn’t know that I am here, that I am Anonymous. He would disconnect from me if he did. Someday maybe I will get him to come visit and he can learn that there is life outside the org, and he could have kids of his own. I don’t have much hope though. I’ve only seen him twice in over 10 years, and one of those times was for 1 day. I don’t really know him anymore. But he is still my brother and I love him.
I could write more. But this is REALLY long. Sorry!!! It's as short as I could pack everything in.
Besides I don't think I can take talking about it anymore.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for this forum and site. Thanks to the rest of you for being strong. You are all inspiring to me.
Mom wouldn’t let us go to friends houses to play, or have them over to our house, except on very rare occasions. She had white glove standards, and we spent a lot of time cleaning. She was a typical Scientologist parent in that she viewed us as “out exchange” by nature of being her children. She clothed and fed us, so we owed her. My dad spent most of his time working out of town, he wasn’t around much when I was younger.
Mom was kind of unhinged even for a Scientologist – she lost her temper and got really violent. She would do things like sit on me and spit in my face while she was punching me and calling me names at the top of her lungs. She was pretty crazy. Now that I look back I realize that’s probably why we weren’t allowed to have friends.
We also moved a lot – once a year, at least, and sometimes we would only live in a town for 6 months. So that made schooling and friends kind of hard, too. My brother and I spent a lot of time reading and ignoring the rest of the world.
We went to Real School in Florida, I think we went to Apple School very briefly. We went to Delphi LA from about 1998 – 1990. We went to the California Ranch School (a sort of bastard cousin of the Mojave Ranch school) in 1992. We went to the Learning Connection from 1994-ish to 1995ish. (I’m the one that wanted to name the big kid school Neilsen Academy.) A lot of the time we didn’t go to school at all, so I didn’t get much of an education. I never took a Science class, or a computer class, and never really learned to multiply until recently. My mom believed that school was completely unimportant. We needed to be on course at the org.
I was getting auditing when I was 4, just kid stuff. I did STCC and other small courses at CCI. I started the KTL when it first came out in 1998. I was only 7 and my brother was 6. We only made it to the beginning of Small Common Words, because it was way too hard. Then we were routed onto the Purif. I went on and off the purif over the next 2 years. I kept quitting because I hated it. I ended up on really high doses of niacin, more than most of the grownups, and then they finally realized that I was overrun. I was only about 9 at the time. Then I think we went onto TRs and Objectives, and failed miserably. I couldn’t do 2 hours of OT TR 0 without starting to fall asleep. Everything was just way to hard. My mom kept telling everyone how genius we both were, but it was sooo out gradient. I don’t really remember what we did after that, I know we bounced from course to course and sometimes got auditing, both in the field and at the org. I didn’t like any of it. Mom made me go even when I begged her not to.
I got in some trouble at CC. I was ALWAYS in Ethics, writing up O/Ws, doing conditions, stuff like that. I kicked and screamed and jumped out windows trying to escape, to no avail. My friend Gillian showed me how to steal candy from the canteen, that was like the worst thing I ever did. Eventually I confessed, paid back the like 8-10 dollars I owed, and did MEST work to make it up. Looking back, I don’t know why they thought I was such an aweful child. My parents told them I was. I was horribly angry all the time. But that’s because they were hurting me.
I went to Delphi LA from about 7 to 9 years old. I think my parents loved it because we were gone all day. Mom would forget to pick us up after school, she would show up around 6 or 7 instead of 5. After homework and chores we went straight to bed. That was a very bad school. I spent a lot of time in the classroom doing work, but I didn’t actually learn much. You see, I was already a big reader, I read for fun. But I had missed so much school that the math was too hard for me. I never could understand it. My teachers would tell me to find my MUs, and wouldn’t ever talk to me enough to realize that it was out gradient. I finally gave up and accepted that I wouldn’t graduate the form and stopped trying. I was sent to ethics a lot. Diana Greeve (?) was the ethics officer then. She would tell me to write up my O/Ws and leave me in the closet room all day, no lunch break or anything. I would tell her that I was done and felt better, but she would always say “no you’re not” and make me write more. I started just making stuff up. One day I told my teacher, I think it was Mrs. Hill, that I couldn’t sit down because my dad had beat me so bad. I had bruises all over my legs. She sent me to the principle and then they sent me to Diana. I thought I was in big trouble! Then they called my parents. That got me in really hot water at home. After that I didn’t go to Delphi anymore.
Then I disappeared for about a year, when my parents moved to Arizona and I went to boarding school in Riverside (Gavilan Hills aka Cali Ranch School, run by John and Carlynn McCormick). There we didn’t actually do any schoolwork. I just ran around in the dirt, got beat up by bigger kids, got in fights with the ones that I thought I could take, and ate very little. I shudder to think about my hygiene at that point. There was only one bathroom for the school (it was in their house) and never any hot water. So I never bathed or brushed my teeth. I fell in the creek sometimes but that was it for being clean. Ugh!
This is the hardest thing to write, but it’s part of the story. I wouldn’t tell about it, but I have been reading other kids’ stories and finally realized that I’m not the only one who was being sexually abused. My rape didn’t happen in the SO though. My dad started abusing me when I was 6. I told my mom after the first time it happened (not that she could miss the marks from the belt and stuff) but she freaked. She told me it was my fault, and that I was lying, and no one would believe me anyway. Her logic sucked I know, but I was 6 so I believed her. She told me not to make things up. I think he was doing drugs because he was like 2 different people. Sometimes he was my best friend. Sometimes he beat me up. It was weird. I never told anyone while I was living at home. After the incident at Delphi, and some other conversations I had where I was treated like _I_ was at fault for being hit, I knew better than to tell anybody about it. Anyway he said he would kill me and bury me in the backyard if I did. I believed him. I still think he meant it. At least, when he was being the angry dad he did. Everyone said I was a bad kid, so I didn’t want them to know just how bad I was. I finally told an auditor later on, but they didn’t do anything. Now I hate knowing that that is all in my PC folder for anyone to find. Even my mom could look at it at any time.
When I was about 13, we switched over to ASHO because mom started on the BC. Everything continued in about the same vein. I “volunteered” for the CF project (thanks mom!) and was getting my objectives in the HGC despite literally trying to run away every time I was in session. Sometimes they posted a guard outside the door. It sucked. I liked course much better, and I actually enjoyed switching to co-auditing.
One of the things that makes me mad, looking back, is how I kept telling people at the org about how my parents were hitting me and they didn’t care. In fact, I was always having to get it off as a withhold, so I was treated like it was something that I did wrong. No one ever pulled them in to ethics, and no one ever reported them. Of course that would have been against Scientology rules anyway.
I signed my first SO contract when I was 12. I didn’t want to join. Dave Horwedel and some other guy took me in a small room, the one off the lobby of ASHO that was at one point the chaplain’s office and once the SORO’s (after the renos it turned into the RTC front office). They said they wouldn’t let me go until I signed a contract. They wouldn’t let me get my mom. So I signed so that I could get away. My mom flipped and said I couldn’t join until I was 18. But I ended up changing my mind eventually. Looking back I realize that it was partly because my home life was so bad. I thought things would be better in the SO, and at least no one would hit me anymore. Plus I was really eager to be a grown-up. Also over those next several years, everyone at the orgs was working on me to join, telling me how I had to take responsibility for planet Earth, stuff like that. I was working as a contracted volunteer for Pac Renos for about 6 months. I worked with Cameron and Christa Crest in Arts and Signs. I really liked it. My brother and I both had a pretty rosy picture of what it was like in the SO. We thought it was like being a Jedi or something. You know, elite, special, the uniforms were cool. Stacey Moxon was a friend of mine and although she wasn’t actively recruiting me, she told me lots of good stories about it. (Yeah I know she's dead, but I didn't find out until after I left the SO they just said she was "still uplines".)
My mom was cheating on my dad, she had her boyfriend move in with us. He was creepy. My dad was really sick at the time. He would get mad and leave home a lot. I really hated how life was there. She wasn’t hitting me really anymore, neither was my dad, but they were both beating the crap out of my brother, throwing him across the room, choking him, over stupid things like not eating his spinach. I hated it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was doing really badly in school anyway, I knew I would be lucky to graduate high school and I had no idea what I would do with my life.
So one day I walked into the recruiter’s office and told them that I wanted to join. I got routed onto the EPF the next day.
I liked the EPF. I was kept so busy running left and right that I had no time to think at all, much less miss my brother. (Now I know that they do that on purpose in the SO.) I got along really well with Mr. Garrett. I did everything I was told to do with no back talk, I did the courses faster than checksheet time, I never once complained about the gross chores we had to do like scrub the dumpsters or empty the grease trap under the galley (that made me vomit involuntarily, tho, it was so disgusting!) So Mr. Garrett liked me and never yelled at me. At some point Janelle Shipp came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go to HCO. I didn’t know what it was. I was slated to go to the TTC. But I told her I didn’t care. I really didn’t. I didn’t know then what jobs were treated better or what orgs had more prestige. CMO and ASHO were actually fighting over me (not that I was special they were fighting over a lot of recruits), but I didn’t care. CMO was supposed to get me, and I was told I would go to the Universe Corps, because Stacey was officially my recruiter. But ASHOD got me because they were under a mission to go St Hill size. (That never happened until right after I left, anyway.)
About a year after I joined, my little brother did too. But by then my parents had gone to the Freewinds and FSO, so he joined there. Oh yeah, and around my 16th birthday I got a day off, and that’s when my mom told me they were getting a divorce. They didn’t tho because my dad didn’t want to. My mom left him, but he paid for her to go on the bridge full time, go to the Freewinds, stuff like that. He had a lot of money and she spent all of it. She got in really big trouble at the org for sleeping with her BC twin. But she donated to Superpower, and the IAS, and sponsored a mission, so they loved her again.
So yeah, I went to HCO ASHOD. There I found out how much the SO could suck. I was yelled at all day every day. This is because I was not a good worker. I mean, I could happily do any job you told me to, but I couldn’t think for myself. If you told me to “get the staff hatted” (I was the Hat Off for a bit) it was too long range and complicated. I was like a robot. I was in such shock, anyway, that I just spaced out all the time. Also I was really tired. I never got any sleep, and when I did I had insomnia anyway. My seniors were positive that I was out ethics and out 2D and kept pulling me in for interviews and yelling at me. But I was just a stupid kid who was in over her head.
Oh yeah, and I got married. I was 16 and we went to Vegas. I thought I was in love. I didn’t have a clue. I got my parents’ permission by blackmailing them. I knew if I got married, I would be emancipated, and they could never tell me what to do again. My mom was threatening to remove me from the SO and make me come home (by force). I was terrified of that. I married a guy who I thought was cool. He was the first boy who ever asked me out. He was 19. But for some reason after we got married he did a 180. He stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t let me sit with him in the mess hall or stand next to him at muster. He wouldn’t let me be with him on our days off, in fact he switched days off so we didn’t have the same ones. He pushed me around a lot in the name of playing, but it hurt. He gave me a concussion once by accident. We would go weeks without speaking, just having random sex in the middle of the night, which confuses me to this day. He almost acted like it was rape or something, it was certainly not loving or fun. Maybe that was my fault, because of my history. I don’t know. I was really unhappy but I kept trying to be a good wife, do his laundry and stuff. I didn’t understand what was wrong and I still don’t really. I think maybe he thought I was cheating on him or something? I wasn’t though. He bought me flowers a couple of times so I think he wanted to try but... I don't know.
Eventually I retreaded the EPF, which was once again fine. I wished I could just stay on the EPF forever. But I graduated and went to Senior HCO WUS as an expeditor. Then they traded me to CCI for about a month, where I did room service, got about 1-2 hours of sleep every night, and never met a single one of the crew at the Manor because I was totally isolated. That fell through anyway, and I went back to ASHO.
I had a bunch of posts for a while. Folder Admin, stuff like that. Years passed. The best time I ever had was when I was doing construction on the AO renos or getting to carry a radio on Event Call-In. I smoked a lot, stayed up for days on end for mandatory all-hands, rarely ate. Probably the worst moment ever was being interviewed by an RTC guy, because I was named in a string-pull having to do with “enemy lines”. Oh man, if I ever wondered if I could be broken and confess to anything, that was the answer. If I had had any secrets about the SO I would have spilled my guts. He kept telling me I was being declared because I couldn’t remember who said what. I cried the whole time. Eventually I made something up, just to name a name. I feel bad about it now.
Then I went on the TTC. I trained up through Pro Sup and Pro Word Clearer with RTC passes on everything. But the problem was that I hadn’t done M1, which was a prereq for those courses, so I couldn’t actually finish and go on the internship. But I wasn’t okayed by the CS to get M1. No one knew what to do.
At this point everything fell apart. I was getting no sleep. I was sick constantly. I remember being in isolation for over a month once. I had fevers every day. Because we weren’t allowed to take anything, no medication, no ibuprofen or anything, they just continued. I had fevers about 106 degrees. At one point I lay on a couch for about 9 hours totally paralysed, unable to speak or move, because my temp was so high. I literally thought I was dying. I was terrified. When I finally felt better, I got up and checked it and it was 105. I went to Shaw Health Center. I took a 3 hour bus ride to some slum hospital in the middle of nowhere, alone except for another sick girl who was about 16. At the hospital they said they couldn’t treat me without my parents. But my parents had moved to Flag. I think they might have been on the Freewinds at the point, actually. I don’t remember. But I told them I was married, so they sent me back to the adult area. But they kept sending me back and forth. Finally a doctor gave me a CAT scan and said nothing was wrong with me. Everyone kept saying nothing was wrong with me. But I couldn’t stop puking, and fainting, all day long. I was way stressed out. I kept begging for help, but everyone said to knock it off, because it was all in my head.
[On a side note, recently I found out that there WERE things wrong with me. I had asthma. I had ulcers and GI problems. I had brain damage due to blows to the head and untreated high fevers. (This resulted in hearing loss, auditory processing disorder where your nerves don’t communicate sound into words, memory problems, and other fun things.) I also had Mono at one point, which would explain the exhaustion!! I also have really bad PTSD – full on flashbacks, nightmares, hyperventilating, things like that.]
Finally I blew. I walked across Hollywood, about 12 miles, overnight. I ended up in a park by the house I had used to live in. I wanted to kill myself. I had a knife and everything. But then I was just really tired and changed my mind. I went back to PAC and turned myself in to security. I know it was dumb, but I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t have a single friend or relative to go to. I thought maybe I could try and find my half sister who was in Oregon somewhere, but I didn’t have the $90 for a bus ticket. I just gave up. I went to bed and locked the door.
I came out the next day and was told to go back on post. (The CO of ASHO liked me I think, we were sort of friendly to each other, and they were pushing to go St Hill size. Plus, they had so much invested in me as a TTCer.) I refused. I told them that I was not doing well, and that I needed help, whether it was ethics or auditing or whatever. I was told to retread the EPF again, but I told them that the EPF was not for downstats. Then they put me on a Sec check. At first, I had an auditor that I hated. I don’t remember who he was. He would just hammer and hammer and hammer me until I cried. Then someone came in and stopped him and gave me a new auditor. I liked it because finally someone was listening to me. I was put on 24 hour watch, which sucked so bad!! I slept on a mattress in a closet behind Leb Hall auditorium. Another teenage girl whose name I forget followed me everywhere, even to the bathroom. It made me feel really degraded. They kept telling me I was, anyway. I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone, even my husband. Not that I wanted to talk to him, anyway.
Finally I confessed in session that I had been cutting my wrists. I had told them this before, but I guess someone watching on the camera finally figured out I was serious about the suicide thing and freaked. Some people came and interrupted the session. The MAA (Stuart Huff who was actually my friend) told me I was leaving base and to pack my stuff. I just shrugged. I was really defeated and apathetic. I didn’t really take anything because I was planning on going to Venice beach, living out of my backpack, and figuring out a way to commit suicide that wouldn’t leave a mess for someone to clean up or traumatize some stranger who found my body. (I couldn’t think of a way to not do that.) They put me in an interview room and gave me a bunch of bonds and contracts to sign. I had to agree never to sue, never to tell any secrets I knew, stuff like that, I don’t really know because I didn’t read them. There wasn’t any point – they told me that I would be kept in the room until I signed, and I knew they meant it. Then Security called my parents, who were back in LA. They handed me over to them. I never said goodbye to anyone. It took about 2-3 hours total from start to finish.
I lived with them for a couple of years. Things started to get better. At least, I could get up off the floor in the morning. I got a job and started building a resume. I learned to drive and got a license. I didn’t see my mom much because she had left my dad and was living at Flag full time (on his money tho). Then my dad got sick. Dr. Denk from Shaw came. He said that my dad had cancer, that he had 3 weeks to live, that chemo and stuff was pointless. So my dad said “ok” and laid down and died. He said he was going to find a new body with OT Scientologist parents, that were musicians because that’s what he wished he was. My mom came home and my brother visited for a few days. Then he died. (That was the only time I saw my brother.)
My mom joined the Sea Org again after that. She just walked away. I got rid of all their household stuff and eventually moved out into my own apartment. I moved around a lot and eventually I realized that I needed to leave California. It was just too upsetting to me. Anyway my mom was showing up on my doorstep and yelling at me like I was still a bad little kid. I was like 21 at this point. So I made some friends out of state and moved away.
I had a devil of a time adjusting to “the real world”. I didn’t even know how to speak proper English without Scientology terms. I had been told such stories about crime and how bad the world outside was, that I was terrified of it. I was just MORE terrified of Scientology. My husband says I’m from Mars, and that’s the best way to try and explain it. It really is like being from a different planet. I didn’t get pop culture references, I didn’t know how to do normal, everyday stuff. I was afraid to hold still or relax, because I was so used to running everywhere and being screamed at if I stopped. I ate at like, a million miles an hour. I was always afraid of my food being taken away. I actually lost a lot of weight because my body finally realized that it wasn’t going to starve anymore. So it stopped holding on to every calorie I got. I still had problems with cutting and being afraid and depressed. I had bad panic attacks. I was really scared that my mom was going to kidnap me back to the org, or that I was wrong and had doomed myself to an eternity of hell, stuff like that. Whenever I start doubting my decision, I would just remember how happy I was compared to then, and how I knew that they were lying to me, just it took some time for my heart/gut to catch up to my head.
I started taking Paxil about a year ago. It had immediate results. I felt wonderful. The nightmares became infrequent. I don’t have panic attacks like I used to. I’m not so depressed that I can’t get out of bed, in fact I’m downright happy. It hasn’t made me a different person, I’m just more free to be myself. It took me a long time to be willing to try a psych drug. It was actually a very hard step for me. But my best friend was taking an anti-depressant and she was neither crazy nor a zombie. I’m SO glad I did. Now I KNOW that I was lied to all my life about something that helped me more than auditing ever did!
Since then I met a really great guy and married him. I have nothing to do with Scientology or Scientologists in any way. I have a son that I love. I stay home taking care of him. I have been going to college, and have been promised an art scholarship at the university when I am ready. Life is better than I ever DREAMED it could be when I was growing up. I do stuff for FUN. I go camping, and sing, and some days I just sit around and watch tv and do NOTHING. I eat fast food and chocolate whenever I want. I am learning to cook food that is healthy AND tasty (my husband is teaching me). I’m never hungry although I still have moments when I have to hoard food or candy to make myself relax. I talk to whoever I want to. I sleep when I am tired. I can get in my car and go anywhere I want, whenever I feel like it. No one yells or screams at me. All in all, life ROCKS.
I don’t speak to my mother. I actually disconnected from her. I know that is backwards for most people. But every time we talked she would try to “handle” me. She kept accusing me of having crimes and heinous overts. She wanted me to get an abortion and come back to the SO. Now she would prefer I leave my husband and come back. But I never will. She was not interested in being my mom back when I was a child, anyway. To be honest I still haven’t forgiven her for how she treated me back then. So finally I told her that I was tired of her trying to force me back to Scientology and I changed my phone number. She still has my address but it is too far for her to just show up. I guess I should have tried to repair our relationship. But I don’t want to have one with her. And I’m waaaay happier being in charge of my own life, and not talking to her. I am happier focusing on my husband and son and not even thinking about Scientology. Those are the best days.
I just wish I could see my brother. He doesn’t know that I am here, that I am Anonymous. He would disconnect from me if he did. Someday maybe I will get him to come visit and he can learn that there is life outside the org, and he could have kids of his own. I don’t have much hope though. I’ve only seen him twice in over 10 years, and one of those times was for 1 day. I don’t really know him anymore. But he is still my brother and I love him.
I could write more. But this is REALLY long. Sorry!!! It's as short as I could pack everything in.
Besides I don't think I can take talking about it anymore.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for this forum and site. Thanks to the rest of you for being strong. You are all inspiring to me.
Last edited by doubleVee on Mon Apr 28, 2008 6:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)
