A letter to my family

Below is a letter I wrote to my family, mostly my parents, but haven't given to them yet. It isn't exactly "my story" per-se but it's close enough I thought this was the best place for it.

I guess I just wanted to share it with you all. I have been lurking around this site for a while now and it contributed to me going from doubting Scientology to wiping my hands of it.

So here it is, my coming out... unless you've read my pc folder, or done an ethics handling on me, or been on the ever present gossip line that exists in Scn and the S.O. which spreads so called "confidential" information like a So-Cal wildfire.

"I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to keep things from people I care about.

I have wanted to be a girl since I was younger. I noticed these feeling probably at about 10 or so. I started dressing up in girls clothes and hiding it. I didn’t think about it a lot then but I knew it wasn’t normal and I hid it as best I could.

When I joined the Sea Org was when I really tried to stop these feelings. I figured those thoughts were wrong and must be “case” and I was out-ethics to act on these feelings, wasn’t being cause, etc. So I tried and I tried to stop the feelings. I did countless ethics handlings, O/W write-ups, etc. I received some auditing but nothing would stop it.

For the 7 years I was in the Sea Org I did my damndest to stop the feelings because I “knew” they were aberrations and weren’t me.

When I left the Sea Org, I left feeling kind of like a scum-bag. I felt like I was no good and really just needed to fix myself. I said to myself, “Now I can start anew. I can do my handlings, get the auditing I need and then I can rid myself of these thoughts.” It wasn’t to be. The thoughts continued.

Then I began to doubt things. I thought, “Maybe I’m not so bad. Maybe wanting to be a woman isn’t aberrated. Maybe it’s other peoples perceptions of it that are wrong.” I met some people who were gay and noticed they were not 1.1. They are just normal people. As a “pervert” I was supposedly on the 1.1 scale as well. So doubting the writings of LRH on gay people I started examining other areas. For example; “Wogs” were not stupid low life’s like I expected. The general feeling I got in the Sea Org was that wogs were sort of inferior. They were unenlightened and didn’t know how to handle their lives. They were out-ethics and were “effect”. Well it turns out there is no such thing as wogs. There are just normal people and a lot of them have great lives, are happy, responsible, etc. In fact, the people I met out of the Sea Org and Scientology were, for the most part, saner, more rational people than I met in Scientology. I had a lot of other realizations in regards to things I believed that I had learned from Scientology.

But that is getting off the point of this letter. The point of this letter is to let you know my feelings. I have been getting more depressed lately. I have been suicidal in the past (when I was in the Sea Org), though I am not now, I don’t want to get those feelings back. I regret every day that goes by that I haven’t acted on my feelings. You see, if I want to be a woman I have to do a lot to change myself. I have to get on hormones and get surgeries. To do that I need to see a counselor, yes a “psych” and get approval. Now for a transgender person who is changing their sex, it’s the younger the better. Mainly for the hormones. So every day that ticks by I worry that it’s slipping away from me.

I don’t know exactly what I want to do. But I want to get it sorted out. I need your support. If I want to change my gender I want you to be behind me. I love my family more than anything in the world. But I can’t keep pretending and just ignore how I feel.

It would be so much easier if I didn’t have these feelings, but I do. And I need to do something about how I feel.

Will you support me and help me do what I want to do?"

Your story is very touching. I wish you success with finding your path. I also wish you peace of mind and acceptance.

Welcome to the board and congratulations on stepping outside of scientology so you can find and be yourself.

Thank you for sharing your letter.

Best of luck to you for your future. I hope you are able to find the support you need.

You deserve to be happy; remember that.

[hide]{So off she went to be a Flag Rep at another org out of state. We would talk on the phone I pretty much every day. Not too long after that I was sent to a bigger org to be their Flag Rep and I went in with a Mission. That org had some pretty crazy stuff going on, people were getting declared, etc. The Mission I/C caught me talking on the phone with my wife in the middle of the day and I had to do an ethics handling. So I could only call her after post and even then we were working late so I didn't get to talk to her much. Some time after the mission left, and I was the only S.O. member around, it started to go badly for me and my wife. It isn't hard to wonder seeing as I had only known her a few months, it was my first real relationship, we were in different states, in the S.O., in Scn, etc. etc. etc. So after a few months called it quits and got a divorce. She left the S.O. a few months later and I've never heard from her since.

So I continued my duties of trying to execute crazy programs from crazy people up in management. All the time still stuck with this burden of wanting to be a woman and not knowing what to do about it. And, predictably, things started to go down hill for me again. I remember a project came to my org with to women S.O. members. Since I had an apartment with another bedroom they stayed with me for a week or so. One day I went to the apartment in the middle of the day when they weren't there. I went into their room and put on some of their clothes so I could fantasize about being a woman, at least for just a moment. This probably seems crazy to anyone reading this and it's pretty crazy to me too looking back at it, but I was so desperate to get that feeling.

The months passed by and I started getting more and more depressed. I would sometimes go to the local river and try to get a grip but it never really worked. Until finally one night I got in my car and just started driving. To this day I don't know where I went exactly, but I found some mountains. I wanted to just drive off a cliff or jump off of a bridge, but I couldn't find somewhere that would do the trick. I certainly didn't want to drive off the road in some crash and live. After a while I gave up, parked somewhere and just sat there for a while. I remember being so lonely. I don't think I can describe how lonely I was. I didn't have any friends, I was too dedicated to bring my S.O. problems to my family. I had no one to talk to. So I drove back to the org just in time to get back on post. There was another mission in the org at that time and the Mission I/C was a fairly nice lady. So I told her I was suicidal, yada, yada, yada and, presto!, I was on a plane back to Base.

When I got back I thought I would be treated with some sort of compassion and sympathy. I remember all I wanted to do was get in session. I didn't want to do another ethics handling or O/W write up. Bets or wagers anyone on what happened? Well, firstly I was in trouble for abandoning my post, I was told I was getting a Comm Ev and I was orered to do an ethics handling and O/Ws! Yippe! No one was kind to me, or ever said, "We'll get you through this." I was just treated sort of as garbage. I mean how insensitive can you be. I was simply an asset either to be "fixed" or discarded if I couldn't be.

Well, I took it like a good little robot and I did my ethics handling, O/Ws, etc. And when my Comm Ev was done, I did some more ethics handlings. But there was one part of my Comm Ev that I did like at the time. One recommendation was to get in session on something or other. I did everything else but couldn't get in session because the staff auditors were all busy with other pcs and I was back-burner. And when I didn't get in session, again I got in trouble. Because it was my fault I didn't get them to audit me. Lame!

After a little while they figured I could be a cog in the machine again and I went on a post at the Base. And of course nothing had changed with me despite all the magical handlings. So it was just a matter of time before it would all come crashing down again....

I must end again for the night. I hope this post isn't lamely written. I couldn't fall asleep (what's new?) so I decided to write. But my brain feels kind of mushy so hopefully things came out all right.}[/hide]

[astra]

Hi Recovering Scientologist,

I just wanted to give you a belated welcome and thank you for your story so far. I'm looking forward to reading the rest as you post it. I am so glad you are putting your life on the track that you want and despite the challenges that you face ahead, I am so happy for you that you are the one making the decisions in your life. Good for you.

Astra

Many parts of your story sound so familiar. Especially the part about driving off by yourself, having no one in the world to talk to, and wanting it all to be over. I felt the same way, even about not taking my SO problems to my family.

Thanks for sharing and I hope it helps you.