Never again, sex for alcohol, lesbianism, kitten torture etc

Just read your story and sent you a PM... this is crazy because i was at Stan and Carols between 85 and 87 and im pretty sure i remember you.

all i can say is my heart goes out to you. We are all praying for you and wish you the best. I know its almost 3 years ago when you originaly posted but thanks anyways.

I really hope to read more stories like yours from kids who grew up at the Complex in the 80s.. im working on telling my story but its taking me a few years to put it all together. Thanks to stories like yours Amy i actually can remember more details. This is great... thats all i can say!

I am still having a lot of mental health issues, and I am on state disability because I cannot hold a job. However, I am married to a wonderful man who was never a part of the CofS. He is very patient with me and tries to be understanding of my past and all the abuse I suffered.

These days I have a good life although my mental health is still a challenge.

My husband and I love to travel and I have been to Europe twice for short vacations. Never in my life did I imagine that I could be so loved.

Thanks to everyone who gave me messages of support.
Best wishes to all.
Amy

Continued from above:

They did not question me and gave me the cash. Another day I walked to a pay phone on my personal hygiene time, and made a collect call to an Aunt not in the church, who lived in another state. Without telling her where I was, I merely said I really wanted to visit her for a few days. She was thrilled to have me visit and asked when I was coming. (She only saw me at holidays during my childhood) I told her I was working and needed to save up for a greyhound bus ticket and asked if I could call her again in a few days and she agreed.

Early one morning I got up and took a small travel case that I had packed a couple days before and I left for the bus station across town. I was so scared the whole time that someone had seen me, or that they were going to find me again. I got on the greyhound bus and rode for several days to my aunt�s house in another state. I arrived a few days after my 18th birthday. I was nervous and upset and told her not to tell anyone that I had been to visit her because I might get into trouble when I went back home.

She said she understood that the church did not want me to contact or visit non-church members and promised not to tell anyone that she had talked to me or seen me. (I did not tell her that I was not going back home) I stayed with her for a couple weeks. She had bookcases full of books on all sorts of subjects and I began to realize how closed off from the world I had been in the scientology community.

Having a taste of freedom, I knew I could not go back yet. Once I had rested for several days, had my fill of good food, and gone shopping for some new clothes and a newer travel case, I said goodbye and got on another bus.

Finally I knew I needed to leave for a while to get my head together, I didn�t know where to go, or how I could do it, but I knew I had to find a way out.

Somehow I went back again and stayed in the church until I was 19. Even after I moved in with my Grandparents, I still wanted to be a member of the church. Scientology was all I knew about the world and I still believed as a group we could help people and clear the planet. I truly thought I was a messed up in the head and may as well just work for the church and do what I was told.

{I found out later my Grandparents knew I was somewhere at the scientology complex in LA and they began driving to the org every few days, looking for me, watching from a safe distance to try and see me.} Security was hardly around in those days and many people were always walking around, or hanging out and most buildings were open and people could walk in anytime.

I was doing lower conditions at the PAC complex working outside pulling weeds when I saw my grandparents car. I wanted to run over to them. A group of other young members were taking a break from cleaning. I told one of them, that my family members were onlines at FLAG and only in LA for a short time and I needed to talk to them briefly. The supervisor agreed and I crossed the street and told my grandma that I was okay. I expalined that I needed to stay at the org for a few more days and then I could visit them. They drove off and I went back to pulling weeds and cleaning with the other teens. Many years later I learned that my Grandparents had really wanted to grab me and drive away. (but they knew we had other family in the church who would come to their house and bring me back to the church for processing)

The summer when I was 18 1/2 years old, I was crossing the country on a bus. I had an army surplus duffle bag, combat boots and short hair. I chain smoked at the bus breaktimes and no one knew where I was.

I felt free and terrified at the same time. A few days into my bus trip I called my Grandmother from a payphone to tell her I was okay, but I did not tell her where I was.

Then one day when I called Grandma and told her the truth, that I was running from the church and needed to stay out of the los angeles area for at least a couple years. She told me of a relative who lived on the East Coast who wanted to see me if I could manage the plane fare from wherever I was.

I asked for the phone number and called my great aunt who said she could pay my plane fare if I told her where I was. Still suspecting that somehow it might be a trap to find out where I was, I arranged for her to wire some money.

Before I got my plane ticket, I was still terrified of the church finding me. I went to the library and looked up the city directory where my aunt lived to find out if they had a Cof S Org or Mission established there. Fortune was with me and there was nothing listed. Just to be sure, I asked the librarian for help and she made a couple of reference inquires and calls and verified that there was nothing listed for scientology or Dianetics in my destination city or in neighboring cities.

Then I bought my plane ticket and began a new life. In the Fall when I was nearly 20 years old I was living with my Aunt on the east coast. She was my birth Father�s Sister and her husband, my Uncle Bobby. They had no love for the church and my aunt still felt the church had killed my Dad and ripped our whole family apart. They wanted me to get an education, but none of us knew exactly how much schooling I had missed.

A local Women�s College gave me several tests and the Administration said they would take a chance on my potential. When my Mom finally found out I was going to college, she kept telling everyone how smart I was since I was awarded a partial scholarship and accepeted into a private women�s college.

The College Administration placed me in a remedial summer program during the three months before official semester college classes. How does one make up for six years of education during one summer?
Needless to say everything at college was very hard and I finally dropped out and came back to california. I lived with my Grandparents and went to a local junior college.

Ever since I left the church I don�t speak to my one Uncle (my father�s brother) who is still in the church. He and his new wife disconnected from me when I was about 22years old. He began by telling me what a horrible person I was because I was walking away from the church, and told me that my Father would have been so disappointed if he knew the life I was choosing.

My Stepdad died a few years ago and we never had much contact after I left scientology. Attending his memorial service was extremely painful. Especially because my Mom does not believe I was abused or mistreated in any way as a child.

My Mom insists to this day, that I had a good upbringing in the Church.

My life has been a struggle trying to adjust to the world on the outside of the church and to put the pieces together to understand my childhood and my family. I�ve been through, emotional breakdowns, suicide attemps, hospitalized for psych reasons and medical reasons on several occasions. I�ve been through alcoholic rehabilitation, and survived a major rear end car accident.

Today I am 37 and struggling to get a college degree.

Amy,

Thank you for telling more of your story and I am sorry to hear of the mental health issues you still have, I think this is far more common in children that grew up in Scientology than is talked about.

You go for it, get your degree, do it for you, you deserve it.

I am so glad you found a good husband, someone to care for you.

Hope life is much happier for you now.

{{{ Big Hugs}}}

Love,
Sharone

Amy - My heart is broken at reading your story. I want to hold you and squeeze you and let you know that there are so MANY good people in this world. And you are one of them.

I finally was able to go to therapy in my early 40's - it helped a lot. But I think what helped the most was my realization that there was no way to ever find the "why" for what happened to me.

Scientology erroneously teaches that if you can find the "why" then it will all blow, you will be healed. It's just not true.

The garbage that happened to you, happened to you. It is what it is. You are who you are today.

I often tell people who are amazed at my story (I've only shared a small piece - I've had courage to stand, but not as much courage as you) that I have every right and reason to have become a drug addict or an alcoholic or just a plain miserable person. But I'm not.

I'm not because it's my choice.

I thank you for choosing to tell your story - I know it was painful for you. Thank-you for risking that pain and showing the truth on the Internet for anyone to see. Scientology kills - it is dangerous and needs to be stopped.

There's no "good tech" or "bad people mis-applying tech" - it's all garbage. Hubbard was nuts, plain and simple... we, on the other hand - are not. The simple fact that you knew in your heart of hearts that what was happening was wrong is evidence of the pure and wonderful spirit that exists within you.

I send my blessing to you along with all the other well-wishers. I send my prayers for your total and complete healing with the miraculous ability to carry on in strength and humanity and to be a witness for the truth.

Thank-you...