Well, here goes...

Hoo boy! Where to start? Well, let's start with me:

I may be flamed to high hell for this, but in all honesty, I don't care. I'm not toting around a soap box, I'm just writing to get some thoughts flickering about in my cavernous skull onto some pixelated parchment.

I'm an ex-Sea Org member, I've been out for a few years now. I still consider myself a Scientologist, I'm one of the crazies that entices you to buy books on the weekends. I was in the Sea Org for quite awhile, and thusly, met and befriended quite a few of you. It's surprising how many of you I remember; Astra, Emily, Melanie, Kendra, Alex, Kim, Tiffany, Izzy and quite a few others (I don't know if all of you post or read these forums, but I've seen your names mentioned).

Now, as I have been lurking since the genesis of this site, I am quite aware that the Sea Org has a certain stigma on these forums which I will describe delicately as unsavory. However, I feel like the Sea Org made me into a better, more capable person, vis-a-vis bad times and good times. I also feel that through the SO, I've met and made life-long friends that I will truly love, remember and cherish, despite anything and everything, let alone a trivial matter such as someone's religious beliefs.

For those of you that were hurt, scarred or generally mistreated by anyone in the Sea Org or Scientologists, I am effusively sorry and I feel that no one has the right to treat you in a manner unbecoming of a human being. I do hope you all are doing well and everything is "on the up and up". I'd love to find out more about how you are doing, and I read over your stories of times in the SO, leaving and after, with eager and sometimes sympathetic eyes.

To be clear(pun?), I believe in Scientology and it has been one of the most influential experiences in my entire life (the second being my parents). Were the Church to be dismantled and prohibited worldwide, I would still harbor my books and lectures, read and listen to them and enjoy them. Not in some sort of religious trance or some zealous fervor, but because I do enjoy reading and listening to Ron's philosophies on life and people and just about everything under the sun, moon and stars. I'm not in it for the organization, I'm in it for selfish old me, because I like it.

I'm not going to disclose my identity, as I feel I will be flamed, unfortunately, engulfing me from both sides. I will continue to read, occasionally post and generally live up to the title of lurker.

This ended up becoming a bit long and soap-boxy for which I apologize, and here follows a tl;dr version below.

tl;dr: Hi! \^_^/

Twiggy, I don't think you deserve to be flamed just because you enjoy LRH materials. As a long-time lurker I'm sure you are aware that on this site you would be in the minority on this issue. Some may strongly disagree with you. Personally I'm happy to let you peacefully maintain your opinions as long as you don't expect me to become an LRH fan.

[Grundy]

Triggy - Im an admin here and I see where you are coming from. (see my thread in Pro Scientology).

So welcome. It will be nice to have a somewhat pro-scientology viewpoint that doesn't have to be objective (like me lol). Good for contrast.

Read. Learn. Live.

Grundy,
Another ESK Closet Scientologist lol

Hi Twiggy, welcome to ESK!

I was a Sea Org member myself for quite a while.

I do have to agree with you that I have learned a lot in the Sea Org. Also, I still have my Scientology materials and use them now and then.

You don't have to feel bad about it. Unlike a certain Church, most of the ex-scientologists (including me) do respect the different opinion of others

In retrospect, the biggest problem was the purpose the tech was used for and the Tone Level it was used on.

Stats, hats, org boards and VFPs properly used by a relatively sane leader, can increase productivity and efficiency.

But if they are used to intimidate, harrass and suppress, the results can be disastrous.

Also, on justice:

HCO PL A New Hope for Justice and HCO PL Injustice are brilliant and provide a great foundation for a truly effective justice system.

Too bad that most of the OSA and RTC personnel is stuck on SP witchhunts and labeling anything they don't like as "suppressive", Comm Eving anyone who disagrees with the findings and recommendations worked out before the Comm Ev is held and that is mostly their understanding of justice.

I am not saying that LRH is innocent. He definitely had his own bullshit (overboarding people, inability to correct himself, SP declaring his most loyal followers).

So, in other words, welcome!

I'm not sure who you are but I guess you know me, glad to hear that you found some pleasure in Scientology. My experience was not so pleasant but I say to each there own. I have family still very active in the CoS so I can understand your need to be unknown.
I have mad respect for you for posting!

Always, Em

[astra]

Hi Twiggy,
Welcome. While we don't necessarily share the same point of few on scientology itself, that doesn't mean we at ESK don't respect your opinions. Just the fact that you have come on and said hi is great. Everyone is entitled to their point of view.
While I don't agree with scientology as a whole, my main issue with the CofS is their treatment of sea org members, especially children and the abortion issue as well as holding people against their will and things like the RPF.
Thanks for coming on our boards and saying hi. I am of course curious to know who you are as you say you remember me. But I respect your choice to remain anonymous. Glad to have you here.
Astra

[Grundy]

Wow, so much to say, I'm not sure I can do it justice, but here goes nothin'.

Twiggy: You are welcome here whatever your personal religious views. I for one am not going to attack you for them, and I doubt anyone else will. We might want to discuss a few points or question you about why you believe what you do, but that's not the same as flaming right? I for one spent quite a few years out of the SO and still a Scientologist. I should know that there are many different points of view and depths of involvement. This is supposed to be the age of open-mindedness and religious freedom, right? I think that same open-mindedness is what a lot of us want to see in Scientologists. So we would be rather hypocritcal to "flame" you for expressing your views.

Outlander: I, too, agree that the SO was a key part in my evolution (good or bad) and I like how you put that.

However, the question of whether we are who we are because of our experiences, or some innate quality (nature vs nurture) is a sticky one. Lots of debate over the world about that. I personally think it's both. What happens to us effects who we are inside, but what we do with those experiences and how we handle them in the moment is a reflection of who we were to start with.

What did I learn in the SO? I learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I learned that when I have the internal fortitude and the incentive, I can stay up longer and put out more effort. This is a basic lesson that the US Military uses Basic Training ("boot camp") to teach. Could I have learned the same lesson there, or somewhere else? I say yes.

What else did I learn from my childhood in Scientology? That people are evil and the depths to which they will sink are always greater than you expect... I could have learned that lesson touring concentration camps, or being a social worker, or the way my husband learned it -- as a cop on the street. I would rather not know that lesson as well as I do! I could have done without the firsthand experience. I had to leave Scientology, and get to know some non-Scientologists, before I was willing to say maybe people are also good and can also surprise you with their goodness.

I have a VERY clear recall on who I was as a young child. At the age of 6 I know I had a pretty strongly developed personality. I can look back with my grown-up eyes and say that I was stubbornly dogged toward any goal. I was so focused on whatever my goal was at the moment that I almost always got it. (I was on a pre-olympic swim team and gymnastic team.) I was disgustingly self-assured but also aware that it was not desireable to be stuck-up or a braggart, compassionate about other people's feelings, friendly and happy pretty much no matter what. I know from my IQ tests that I was extrememly intelligent, in fact freakishly so, with a photographic memory. Oh and I never shut up. All of these things were part of the "package", bundled with me if you will forgive a computer reference. At 6 years old not much had happened in my world to shape me into that person, I just was.

Now, I know not everybody had the experiences I did growing up, in fact I'm kind of lonely in that regard (not that I would wish it on anyone else). Although my SO career was pretty typical. By the time I joined the Sea Org I had endured 13 years of what I guess counts as severe abuse at the hands of my parents, various boarding school bullies, and other Scientologist adults. Then I spent 4 years in the SO which was both different and the same, better and worse. At the end of all of that my personality had changed in a lot of ways. I spoke as little as possible, I was terrified of people, terrified of the future. I was certain that I was a very bad person. I was also certain that I was inept, stupid, incapable, retarded, and various other things along those lines. My memory was shot -- I was lucky if I could remember what I did 3 hours ago. I was sick, unable to eat, and having seizures. I was very very close to killing myself out of exhaustion, fear, and despair.

But deep down, hiding I guess, was the same core person that I was at 6. (I didn't know she was still there.) I didn't kill myself. In fact I managed to pull myself together (even though it took me years) to the point that I am happily married, a mom, in college, and have built a real life for myself that makes me happy. Did I do all that because of Scientology? No. For one thing, if it weren't for Scientology, I would have been taken away from my parents early on and that starts a whole other chain of "what ifs".

So here's the question: did I get the strength to climb out of the gutter from being in the SO? Did I get the will to not give up from being "toughened up" by my parents? I don't think so. Those attributes which many of us saw while in the Sea Org, that determination and energy and follow-through, are things which were inherent in us already. The adversity of the SO just gave us a chance to find out.

When I was in the SO I did think it was because of the SO. Even for a while after I left. Because I carried around with me the knowlege that I could endure, that I could step up to the plate, I thanked the Sea Org -- for a while. Then I started to realize that that wasn't true.

I have met other girls who went through some of the same experiences as I did. They all reacted in very different ways. The girl with the most similar story to mine (dad abused her, dad died, mom is nuts, dropped out of school) is now a stripper and on drugs. What makes us different? Why aren't I in the same place she is? My husband's parents were alcoholics, negligent at best, and most of his high school friends are in jail for dealing drugs, car theft, and federal credit card fraud. How come he is a Police Officer and about to graduate from college?

Whatever it is inside me that made me survive all of this, I cannot say it was given to me by my parents or by Scientology or by the Sea Org. It was there already. Maybe God gave it to me, maybe it just grew there because of something genetic, who knows?

At the same time, my experiences certainly changed who I am permanently. I will never go back to being that same kid that I was. I won't ever leave behind some of the lessons I learned (like not trusting people) even tho some people argue that I am wrong. To that degree my life has made an imprint on my soul or personality or whatever you want to call it.

I'm just glad that that stubborness was big enough to last through so much crap for so long, even if I lost touch with it for a while. I wouldn't want to miss out on my life now, that would be a tragedy. But I do sometimes wish that I could have learned those lessons a different way. For one thing, more people understand you when you say you've served in the military!