Wanted to say hello, I'm new...

I have been lurking for sometime now, and finally decided to join. I admire those of you who were able to blow. I, unfortunately, cannot for reasons I can't go into to protect my identity and my family. I will give you a little abreviated version of my experience. I'd also like to say that this is a wonderful, WONDERFUL, place to visit! This is the ONLY place after lurking, I have felt comfortable to post.

I've been in almost 11 years now. My story is a little differnt than others I have read, but I guess we all came to Scientology in different ways. For me, I was married young, into an abusive marriage, and going through a horrible divorce. Hey, dangle a carrot infront of an abused wife and she will bite at her first taste of freedom! Scientology sounded great. I read Dianetics and I was hooked. My life was going to be great. Honestly, the Freewinds wasn't that bad to me either, but after years of my now ex-husband both physically and emotionally abusing me, I really wasn't in the state of mind to make this kind of decision....I was so into it that I was clear very quick. Even the auditing made me feel like I was freeing myself, yeah I was the perfect raw meat!

Within a year the org discovered PTS most of whom were my friends, wogs. Especially my mother, a devote catholic. Then along came my now husband...long story there, took 8 years to get up the courage to get married, even after we had a child....the org....When it was known that he wasn't going anywhere even after the PTS course, I was to handle him. I was to get him to do things that would help me work the bridge. I did and it put us in financial ruins. I was told to relocate, and I talked him into it. I was set up with the perfect job giving me access to information that would be helpful. My new friends were all scientologist, a few I didn't even know were...They even had me now using the parenting teck, which I will never fogive myself for. Nothing I had done in my life was correct until the org, according to the org.

I started to wise up a few years ago, my relationship was going down the tubes and my kids weren't the fun loving kids they should be so I slowed my bridge and found myself dodging my new friends, the only friends I had in this city and quiting my job. I was screening calls but my new friends would come over...I thought the only way to disconnect was to move. We did. I told only one person, someone I thought was not a Scientologist, where we were going, and this place is not known for scientology, heck, it's not known for anything really. I got a visit from a Scientologist less than a month after moving. They were from an org in a larger city of this state. They were worried that I needed more sessions and I wasn't working the bridge. That's what they said, they were really concerned that I would cause a flap over what I knew.

Devastating things happened here within a few more months, not conected to scientology ( at least I think) so we moved back to where we origionated. For several months nothing, nothing from the org, just us. Then the calls and the emails then finally the visit. My now husband was at his wits end. This person was much more agressive. Telling me of all my overts and talked me into yet another session. I was accused of o/w's. It was the worst session I ever had. Don't tell me that disconection doen't exhist, I will tell you it does! Point blank!My husband was deemed the PTS and that I could no longer handle him so I needed to disconnect. This was not going to happen! No way shape or form! They wanted me to go to Freewinds again. I wasn't going to leave my family. I was about to be declared and something happened to me ( not scientology related) and I was hurt by the negligence of another. I had to file a lawsuit and all the sudden the org liked me again. I didn't get it, I was so close to being declared an SP and now I'm ok...I was confused and frusterated.

Mind you, none of my friends from before my endevour into scientology knew that I was involved with the org. They just thought I was a free spirit, moving, living, having fun. It was not fun! Even my attys for the lawsuit don't know of my envolvement. Anyone who wants to tell me Fair game doesn't exhist I will debate that one too...it does. My attys told me that the other side would have PI's checking em out and I have seen them, heck, they talked to my friends etc. but I don't think they are all from the INS company, some are OSA! I know it. The org knows more about my case than I do.

Awww...it's ok for me to lie, see MD's and such per the org because I'm dealing with SP's! Just don't take the meds....get them filled though not to mess things up....HIPOCRITES.

I sit here today, stuck in Scientology. They could destroy my case, ruin me and I have not a doubt in my mind they will. Want to know why I'm ok now, because in the not to distant future I will have money again and can work the bridge. I gets calls several times a week. they keep their distance at this point because of the PI's. Emails daily.

I have only dollars to my name. Putting food on the table is a luxury and there is no way I can blow! During my sessions I told everything, they know everything, I feel like I'm owned. You know what's odd is knowing all this, I still have Dianetics on my nightstand. Man, I'm really messed up!

I went so much further into my story than I wanted to but when I sat down to write it, things just came out. If my story helps just one person, it was worth it.

Jessie

[James McGuigan]

Welcome to ESK and thanks for your story.

Sometimes the most depressing stage of getting yourself out of a SNAFU (Situation Normal All F***'ed Up), is when you start to realise the nature of the problem and its causes, but you have not yet found any realistic solution to get yourself out.

My only advise to you, is to try and find and become certain in your own truth, regardless of what anybody else tells you, or thinks you should believe. Look carefully at the choices you have in front of you, and the choices you continue to make and why you are making them. You don't need to be told that you have a choice in order to have it. To not make a choice is simply to accept the option given to you. Look at your fears, sometimes they seem bigger than they actually are, and just writing them down or speaking about them can help.

Once you are confident in your own truth and your own beliefs and principals, you are allowed to compromises them if you feel its best for practical reasons, but you should always be very clear as to what compromises you are making and why.

An interesting question to ask, is not what do you want, but rather what sort of experiences to want to experience within you life and what can you do to put yourself in a situation where you can have those sorts of experiences.

I say the above, because it maps somewhat closely to my own process for getting myself out and my own process for becoming more self-determined and self-confident. I posted my own story to the main page of the site, though my leaving was complicated by the fact I had to choose between my patents (my mother was excommunicated), and my choices resulted in me having to leave home on my own.

Thank you James for your kind advise. CoS has so much control, even if behind the scenes control. My husband in 8 months has been unable to get a jo in our new location, coincidence? I don't think so. As long as we are destitude, they have power over me and futher funds I will have soon. I wish I could scream from the roof of the center, RUN! A friend non-scn said to me once, you never seem happy anymore, and she was correct. I sat one day and tried to think of what makes me happy, and I couldn't come up with an answer....

Because of my injury, I cannot work. I have my mind and my voice but I'm no longer able to do what I did before. I'm way to young for this. The CoS will "help me heal after all is said and done" so they say. Lies.....trickery as much as a magician uses smoke and mirrors.

I'm not glad that I put my family though this nor that anyone else has ever had to experience this, but I am glad to know that I'm not alone.

Thank you James for your kind advise. CoS has so much control, even if behind the scenes control. My husband in 8 months has been unable to get a jo in our new location, coincidence? I don't think so. As long as we are destitude, they have power over me and futher funds I will have soon. I wish I could scream from the roof of the center, RUN! A friend non-scn said to me once, you never seem happy anymore, and she was correct. I sat one day and tried to think of what makes me happy, and I couldn't come up with an answer....

Because of my injury, I cannot work. I have my mind and my voice but I'm no longer able to do what I did before. I'm way to young for this. The CoS will "help me heal after all is said and done" so they say. Lies.....trickery as much as a magician uses smoke and mirrors.

I'm not glad that I put my family though this nor that anyone else has ever had to experience this, but I am glad to know that I'm not alone.

[astra]

Hi Jessie, thanks for posting your story. I am so glad you found our forums and I hope that being able to tell your story is therapeutic.
Keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
Astra

Welcome, stuckin. I know the path out can be a tricky one. I'm glad you woke up to things before "donating" away your settlement money. No matter what they ask of you of you just plead broke and say you don't want to do anything to mess up your (court) case, they will have to back off.

I think the statement you made about your friend noticing that "You never seem happy anymore" says so much. I wish I could say that to my family that is in still. Their tone level is SO low. And this is after dedicating their entire life to Scn. How can they believe that what they are doing is for the betterment of man when all they really need to do is look at how they are doing to see the truth? If the tech works, as an entire philosophy and way of life, not just the auditing, then shouldn't we be able to see the evidence in the ones who completely live it? Of course my just saying that out loud to them would be the end of any connection we have.

Regarding the job sit with your husband, I would caution against giving the Church more power in your life than they actually have. It's easy to imagine that everything negative that happens is connected to them, but that's a bit of a trap in and of itself. Not saying it isn't so, just keep an open mind that it may just be other factors like the economy affecting things.

There's thread called Taking the Plunge from a fellow on ESMB called VI of Hearts that has a lot of great advise to someone like yourself -

http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=5918

Hope it helps.

If you truly have money coming in some form of legal settlement, it will come to you in the form of a check or checks and will have to be cleared through a bank. Seek out a bank officer - preferably a bank that is small and still personal and tell the bank officer the whole story as briefly and succinctly as possible. If the banker agrees to help, you should be OK - just do as he/she directs you to do. All deposits should be into an account that is yours solely and only and any withdrawal of any kind should require the bank officers OK before clearing for payment.
Have no concern for your "case" - you and your family are the only thing you should consider.
Can you try to find a banker? If so, do so and check back here.
Stay off the cans and if you can't do that, simply do not answer any question you do not wish to answer. Your business is not the cos's business regardless of what you are told.

Thanks for the great advise. I will look into a smaller bank here. I currently bank long distance out of a bank in CA...guess who found it for me...?!

As for the case, for $5.00 it's a matter of public record. They know when the trial date is and even told me they expect it to settle days before. Tell me they don't have atty's behind them! That's EXACTLY what my own attys say.

My husband is often beside himself. He doesn't understand.I will tell him I need to blow, but yet, I have Dianetics on the bedtable. Honestly, I don't even understand at times.

The basic teaching I don't think are bad but now, it's all about the $$$$.

I'm so glad I foung this site. I thought I was the only one who has these feelings/problems/worryies, but we all are apart of a club we didn't sign up for.

I'd like to add, that after I posted my story I felt like the weight of 1/2 the universe had been lifted off my shoulders. I accually went out. I took my kids to the pool. The ones still at home. I had a great time and they did too ( most importanly). While we were out my older daughter( who was deemed a PTS as she wouldn't study scn and she joined the military) called my cell. When she heard we we out doing something, she was in shock. The first words out of her mouth were " Mom are you leaving that cult finally". Now I don't like her frankness and verbage, but I said " I'm trying baby" and she said " It's about time. You can't do this to the little kids". That hit hard. She's 19!

Then I came home and checked my 2 email boxes. One was a super nice letter from Kendra, what a strong woman! The other in my old email scn has, was a email telling me I need to go to the Ctr, by now I should know they are there 7 days a week. Let her know when I can come in. Man, that killed my day!

I wish someone could tell me blowing could be easy.... My husband keeps saying the trial has been 1 1/2 years coming and we are weeks away. That will be the new start. I'm really scared that I will be drawn back in...I moved to my 3rd state a few months ago just to get away from scn but their here too. The trial is where my experience with scn started and just being there again could 1. draw me back in or 2. bring out so much anger, I have no idea how it will go.

I asked my husband many many times to take over my finances when this is all said and done, and he flattly refuses. He said this is something I have to do for myself. One of my attys is his best friend of 30 years and I could have him set up a trust acct, but if I told him of my involvement with CoS he'd have me committed! No kidding!

I also worry that the job that the church "set" me up with in CA could come back to bite me in the rear...I violated a confidentiality agreement I signed with the company, by giving info to CoS.....

welsome to esk

[Tru2form]

Got some T/A, didn't we!?

I like you too, kid! And, be assured there are plenty of good folks out in the wide world who are likeable, helpful, non-judgemental and will like YOU just as you are. Hell, you're easy to like.
Sometimes a little comm and a good R-factor from The Clammer (or similar) sorta causes the barnacles to fall off and your boat floats a little higher in the water and picks up another knot or two of speed.
Your last comm is much more uptone!
Did you, or anyone else, notice that?
Do you like to read? I just re-read Carlos Castenada's "Journey to Ixtlan" and it felt like a floating T/A at the end. You might try it.

Your friend and fellow traveller,

[James McGuigan]

When I was going through the process of questioning my own beliefs about the church, it took me about two years to get to the point I could openly and honestly talk about all my thoughts and feelings about Scientology and the Church without any hang-ups on the subject.

The first step was getting to the point I could think freely on the subject, in my own mind at least, to be free to ask any question and think answers without needed permission, even if it differed from "what I was supposed to think".

The second step was to start writing down my own thoughts and putting them to paper, intended as emails, but I never dared to hit the send button. It was a fairly scary and lonely process, getting to the point that you literally question everything, but have not yet had the time to find any new answers, I didn't quite know what to believe. I didn't have anyone I felt I could talk to, either I didn't feel I could trust them, or I didn't think they would understand.

So well done on making it this far. It should never be a crime to communicate.


I found Carlos Castenada first book "The Teachings of Don Juan" to be very insightful. Don Juan's words on becoming a Man of Knowledge have helped guide me on my own path:

http://www.prismagems.com/castaneda/donjuan1.html

Having lurked you've probarbly noticed by now that I'm a complete outsider, never having been near an org before a protest, so keep this in mind throughout this input.

You are wondering why you still keep a copy of Dianetics on your bedside table, the reason is simple; It is your personal guide to self help. Before Scientology the religion, there was Dianetics the self help book. Dianetics was written by Hubbard as a self help guide that would earn him a quick buck, this is not in itself a bad thing, if it helps and is reasonably priced. However, it was one of the very first self help books, and the first to dvelve so heavily into the mind. Therefore it was soon being called out as dangerous by psychologists at the time, and they were in many aspects correct, the mind is fragile and is easy to snap, and if you are not trained in its subtelties and inner workings you can do more harm than any lick of help.

Faced with all this resentment Hubbard built his religion around it, now the psychologists couldn't speak out against it, because he had a "full package" and not just a single part of the field, albeit still doing it wrong. I personally like thinking of scientologists as dvelving in the area of psychology with all the subtelties of a mammoth on LSD. This "religion" Hubbard founded has grown into the monstrosity we know as the Church of Scientology. (Sorry to hidden and the other Freezoners, but right now I'm rambling about the braincleaned ones.) Yet even with all the crap that the CoS has done it still started as a simple self help, common knowledge put into system for you.

I guess I should wrap up this rambling somehow. The way I view all religion is that it is 80% stuff I already knew, and 20% nonsene BS, in scientology the ratio is slightly skewed. I have not read Dianetics, but from the quotes I've seen, and the passages I've read, most of it holds well inside the category of stuff I already knew, and is in no way useless or dangerous, so long as it is read with the same source criticism as any other religous text.

You really ought to read it. Treat it as an adventure, and maybe you'll never be the same again!

Without so doing, IMHO you will be somewhat limited in your ability to enjoy the full-bodied richness and sometimes seemingly arcane content of the postings here and elsewhere.

Why limit yourself? If the "recently awakened" can read the "upper levels" and not croak of the epizootic or cockshilliosis or other dire illnesses, then surely you can take a read through of the book that got so many of us hooked.

It got me - and while I'm sorta ashamed to admit that - it was an adventure.

By the way, I in no way disagree with your post. Well put.

Clammer,

You asked why my post were different the last two days, well... I went to the library and got a book for FUN! can you believe it! Not for study, and I'm so sure the org won't approve of James Patterson. Then I took my kids to the pool both days and didn't touch dianetics, I just read Patterson. I have not picked up a call from them, nor opened any of the 6 emails from them. I'm still breathing and nothing bad has happened!

By the way, Patterson, you've been warned is a great book, almost done with it!

I'll add, I got so into the book at the pool we are all sunburned....LOL