Amy Allen’s Scientology Story

Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Voices In Unison | Comments Off on Amy Allen’s Scientology Story

Admin note: Names of Scientologists changed or shortened to initials.

I was born into a Scientology family. My mom was in the Sea Org when she was 12, but shortly after blew. She then joined staff at Burbank mission where she met my dad, they married, and that’s how I came around. I do recall hanging around the Big Blue building (AOLA) when I was between 2-5 years old. My parents were on services there, and my sister and I would run around the complex. Even then they would put us to work as “volunteers” – cleaning, doing filing, etc.

When I was 5 yrs old, my parents, big sister and I moved from Burbank, CA to Palmdale which is about an hour outside of LA. I don’t recall ANY Scientology for a while here. My parents were not on course for years, and instead we did a lot of traveling, camping, and family activities. This was the most pleasurable time in my life thus far. There was no worry, no stress, no hate and confusion, just the constant love of my family and friends.

When I was 12, we moved back to Los Angeles and my sister and I were sent to Delphi LA, a Scientology school. I had a little brother who was only 2 yrs old then. I did a few courses during this time at the local Foothill Mission. My parents would bribe me by saying I could skip Summer School at Delphi if I promised to do a course at the mission during this time. I twinned with either my sister or best friend, which made it fun.

When I was 14, my sister dropped out of school and joined staff full time at CCHR. Shortly after, she was recruited straight from there into the Sea Org at the HGB building in Hollywood.

I also started getting interested in acting/singing at this time, and my best friend and I went and joined Kids on Stage for a Better World, which is one of Celebrity Center’s outreach groups. It was made up of 20-50 kids who had various levels of skill in dance, singing and performing. I started taking singing lessons and getting lead solo parts in songs. We performed all over LA and at many Scientology events singing songs with good messages, including some Scientology songs as well. I was part of this group until I was 16, when I joined the Sea Org.

In the summer of 1998, I was not only practicing and performing at CC all the time, I was on course doing my Student Hat and Pro TRs. I didn’t finish my Pro TRs, so instead of going back to school after that summer, I went on course full time. This was the beginning of my recruitment process. I have to admit I think I was pretty easy for the recruiters to get me to join. I signed my contract during my first conversation with my recruiters, who were Shane and Cassie W, Jennifer G, and Dave P.

When I went home to tell my parents, they were both very disappointed. My mom wanted me to finish high school and finish the Pro TRs Course first, and my dad plain thought I would regret it. My dad is an amazing piano player and has been into music and in bands since I was born. He told me how he had left his band and joined staff at the Mission when he was younger, and he later totally regretted it because his band got signed to a record label and became successful after he left. He knew I was passionate about singing and that I had enough talent to really make it if I continued pursuing it. Even after this talk from my parents, I was still determined to join the Sea Org and I took off to my boyfriend’s house and broke the news to him. He was devastated! We were truly inseparable and had plans to marry and have kids (yes, even at 16) and we were definitely each other’s first real love. He was bawling, but said that he had always been worried I would do this at some point because he knew what a good and nice person I was and how much I loved helping people. I said my last tearful goodbye to him.

That night I was terrified and couldn’t sleep. Everything my parents told me were going through my mind like a broken record, I didn’t know who to believe. My recruiters told me I would be able to go to Gold and sing, but my dad said I would regret giving up on my singing career? My recruiters told me I would be going up the Bridge for free, so why was my mom so worried about me finishing my Pro TRs Course? My recruiters told me I’d be able to take Liberties (The day off) every two weeks if my stats were up AND I’d get three weeks of vacation time a year, so why did I have this cold gut feeling of my friends and loved ones never being seen again? By the time I woke up, and I had changed my mind as instinct told me I’d regret it.

I went into CC to tell them that I had changed my mind and wanted to just continue on course. My course supervisor routed me to Ethics to sort this out, and said I could not continue on course because going back on my decision to join was out-ethics. I went down to ethics and was met by the ED CC Int, Dave P, who was pissed! He told my recruiter, Shane, to get me on the meter because it was only overts and my reactive mind that would hold me back from doing something so good, and he wanted someone to give me a short confessional to “find out my crimes.” This obviously implies that if I don’t join, it only means I am a major criminal and MUST be hiding thing, and the ED CC Int figured if he could intimidate me or scare me enough, I would change my mind.

I reluctantly went in for an ethics interview (which is just a mini-confessional while you are hooked up to the e-meter).

After the interview, I went downstairs to the recruitment office and told Dave and Shane that the interview was great, but I still didn’t want to join the Sea Org. Dave got infuriated. He told Shane that whoever did my interview did not get me to confess to all of my sins because the end result of me getting a standard confessional would have meant me not having anymore unsaid sins holding me back from joining the Sea Org. Shane was ordered to get me on the meter with the Senior C/S (the most highly tech trained person in the entire building) and find out what I was still hiding. At this point, I thought he had gone too far and felt like I was in some inescapable maze. However, I had to cooperate because I was supposed to be on course all day to finish my Pro Trs Course like my mother wanted, but I couldn’t continue on course because they sent me to Ethics for going back on my decision to join the Sea Org. I finally went back in for another confessional and afterwards went back to the recruitment office and said that I still did not want to join. Dave Petit literally lost it at this point.

He took the papers from my interview which had all my “out-ethics” on it and went out into the hallway outside of the recruitment office where all the staff were walking to the galley for dinner. He started yelling at me that the only reason I wasn’t joining the Sea Org is because I was too busy going down on my boyfriend (which he had read in the interview). The CC Int staff looked over at me smirking and laughing. I was horrified. This was my deepest darkest secret as a 16 year old! He told me I thought blowing my boyfriend was more important than clearing the planet. I was so humiliated and upset. He wouldn’t stop. He kept going like this through all the stuff that I had said in my interview, reading it aloud to humiliate me. I finally backed down after all the harassment and said I would join.

This time, he sent two of my recruiters home with me so that I would not change my mind. Their job was also to talk to my parents and get their agreement because I was only a minor and had to have parental consent. They came in my house and made me start packing my things. They told me I had to start right away because otherwise I would change my mind again. It was Wednesday night and they said I had to join before tomorrow at 2pm (I later found out this was when they had to report their statistics to management, and I was just a statistic that they needed for the week).

My mom and dad were still adamant that they did not want to co-sign my contract, and turn my guardianship over to the org. It’s all a blur to me, but I remember my mother being ordered to come into CC with an official summons from Ethics. She too was put on the meter and talked to for hours before she finally signed. I could tell she was doing it against her will.

But that was that. My bags were packed and I routed into CC Int’s EPF right before 2pm on a Thursday morning in October 1998. I was excited and happy but scared at the same time. I was happy because I truly believed I was on some top-notch mission to save all mankind and it was all new and excited. I was scared because I knew there was no turning back. It’s not like I could try it out for a few days and leave. I had just signed a billion year contract.

That night, when I went home to my berthing I remember sitting down and bawling. A song came on that reminded me of my boyfriend, and it just hit me that I was about to lose everything. That night I tossed and turned in my bed and barely slept a wink. The room was disgusting. The shower head did not work the entire time I was there, so we had to literally take a bath every day and the water was often cold, the building was dirty and falling apart, it was by far the grossest Sea Org berthing building I saw my entire time there.

About 3 weeks into my EPF, my ex-boyfriend came to CC Int. I saw him in the courtyard talking to two of my recruiters. They came over to me and told me they were recruiting my boyfriend and needed my help. I agreed. When I walked over to join them, they were all saying that if he joined, he and I would be able to live together, and all that. It was ALL about me. I knew he wasn’t a strong Scientologist, hadn’t been on course or auditing lines for years and he didn’t talk very highly of it. I pulled my recruiters aside and told them I was very concerned that he was just joining to be with me, and that would not be fair to him, and they can’t use me to get him to give his life away. They told me they knew right now he was just doing it for me, but that he would change his mind soon enough once he started and find other reasons it was right to join. I felt terrible about this, but sure enough he was routed onto the EPF the next day when he was 19.

It was all very awful and strange. We weren’t used to a relationship under such stress, and we were told no relationships were allowed on the EPF, so we had to wait to graduate to “mock that up again”. We finally graduated around the same time, and I was posted in Division 6 at CC Int, and he was apprenticing in the President’s Office. During post (work) time, he would come and see me; he was pretty obsessed, and at this point it was a bit distracting.

It was hard enough trying to adjust to being in the Sea Org. I told him I wanted to wait to pursue anything again until I was more stable because I was working really hard and learning so much, and trying to keep up. He wasn’t very happy about this, and sure enough he started getting unstable himself and was becoming a problem.

At this point, I was the assistant to the Pub Off who was over the division of Scientology that included getting new people into Scientology, selling books, and delivering the introductory services of Scientology. I was working hard and trying to get used to the scheduling of securing at midnight and waking up at 8am as I was so used to sleeping in until 11am. I had a lot of responsibilities and juniors all of a sudden, when I had never ran anyone on anything before. It was stressful, but I managed.

My recruiters came to see me one day to try and make me go out with my ex again so that he would be stable. They literally took me off of my work for about 5 hours and stuck me in a room with my ex until I basically agreed. I did love him and wanted to be with him, so if I had to do it now or never, I guess it would be now.

The next thing was the pressure to marry him. He proposed to me a couple days later with a beautiful ring. I told him I wasn’t ready to make another commitment yet. He flipped out and got really pissed off, but I was already under a lot of stress and working hard on the job.

A few days later, I was on course in the morning and I got pulled out and asked if I knew where my boyfriend was. I was asked for information on some of his friends who were not in the Sea Org. I had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and started to wonder what was happening. The next thing I knew I was eating in the staff cafeteria and he was eating in a corner with a security guard, just the two of them. I knew something was wrong and he was in trouble. That day I got told by my senior that I was going to be going in session. I thought that would be cool.

I went in with an HCO Sec Checker (person who takes confessionals) who asked me a ton of questions all about my boyfriend. Did I commit an overt on him, with him, etc? I was confused but went along with it. A few days later, still nobody had told me what was going on, and I was pulled into the Security office. They asked me if my boyfriend had ever harassed me. I said no. They asked me about an incident in my sec check (confessional) where I had said that he got really pissed because I did not agree to marry him, and I said that was true.

They said “good”, because they needed me to sign a paper saying he harassed me in case he ever tried to sue the church, because he was routing out (leaving the Sea Org). I was shocked, sad, scared, all at once. THIS is how they broke it to me when we were pretty much engaged!! I almost burst into tears, but knew I had to cooperate or else. I signed the paper, and have never forgiven myself to this day. That guy loved me enough to give up everything just to be with me, and I turned on him, the church made me turn on him.

I saw him again at his sister’s wedding (which I was a bridesmaid in because we were like sisters and she was in the Sea Org too). It was very odd as we never got to speak to each other at all. I’ve seen him a couple of other times, and it was always very odd because I was still in the Sea Org. To this day, we haven’t talked about what happened.

I was heartbroken, and never got over it. It kept coming up throughout my years in the Sea Org that I still had attention on this person, and that I never got to properly end my relationship with him. We were together for years before I joined, and I had lost my virginity to him. He was not just another boyfriend to me.

Regardless, I pushed myself and somehow kept going. I had so much energy in the beginning, so much strength, so much purpose, I was unstoppable. Shortly thereafter, I was promoted to the CMO (Commodore’s Messenger Org) in PAC (where the blue buildings are on Sunset Blvd). I worked in the LRH Personal Public Relations Office. This was fun. Every week that we were upstat, the staff members of our org were rewarded with trips to the movies, and I got liberties quite often to go visit my parents and my best friend. Things were going okay and I started to get over my loss. I had fun going out to parties and events promoting L.Ron Hubbard. I at least felt that I had some contact with the outside world, and got to wear civilian clothes every once in a while.

A couple months later I found out I was named for promotion again, this time to CMO Int Extension Unit, which is located on Hollywood Blvd, and my sister was working there. I didn’t want to leave my current job, and my seniors didn’t want me to go. I observed that there was a bunch of internal fighting going on about it, and my senior assured me I wasn’t going anywhere.

One day I was driving to the building on Hollywood Blvd to deliver a package. Once I got in the lobby someone came and told me to come with them. She told me she was from CMO IXU and she had to talk to me. I knew this was totally against church policy, because in the church, you are not allowed to verbally talk with anyone from a lower organization; everything had to be in writing and go through a “filter” that approved all outgoing messages, but this person had a much higher rank than me, I could not say no.

I went with her upstairs to a small office. She told me that I was named for promotion to her org and that I needed to do what I could to make sure it went smoothly from my end so I could arrive there soon. She told me I was already approved for a particular post (job) and showed me a CSW (report) that was approved all the way through RTC (which is the highest organization in Scientology) for me to be the LRH Comm CMO IXU. That is the second highest rank in that organization. I was totally surprised that I was approved for such a high position. I was new to the Sea Org, I had never been in the CMO before. She convinced me how important it was, and a few weeks later I was replaced and arrived at CMO IXU.

I got through a very rapid program to get ready for post, and then I was officially placed on post as the LRH Comm CMO IXU. What a transition! Soon enough, the biggest issue I was trying to deal with was the fact that this particular organization had apparently been in a lower condition for years and nobody even really knew why because it was assigned before most of them had even arrived. Apparently, it was because of the “state of Scientology Internationally” – what a generality. So, being in a lower condition is usually something assigned to a person who has demonstrated they are a “liability” to the group and so they get penalized and all privileges taken away. They are considered not to be trusted and not to be socialized with because they are not “part of the group”.

This meant all liberties (days off to see your family, etc), org awards (for the org being upstat), and bonuses were cancelled for every staff member. I was shocked and disappointed. Why was I going to have to suffer? I didn’t deserve that punishment. Well, I still hadn’t lost that gleam in my eye from when I first joined the Sea Org, so I sought out to take personal responsibility to get this situation handled for everyone in the org. I made this my personal mission and I was very optimistic.

Meanwhile, my sister wasn’t doing so hot. I remember when I was in CMO PAC and she was up in CMO IXU, she could never get any time off, but she couldn’t tell me what was going on because I was in a lower org, and she was working under a strict confidentiality agreement. I used to call her and yell at her for not getting time off to see the family and told her she wasn’t “making it go right”, and that she was giving mom and dad a bad impression of Sea Org members.

Well, now that I had arrived to her org I understood. NOBODY got time off there. My sister also got into serious trouble shortly after I arrived.. She had just been busted from one post and was working on another. She was under “Comm Ev”, which is one of the highest disciplinary actions in the Sea Org, kind of like a trial where a group of people meet with the accused and decide their fate so to speak. As the LRH Comm, I personally had to approve the decisions of the Comm Ev tribunal, and approve their recommended punishment. The first one that came through my hands was my sister’s, in which the Comm Ev recommended that she be assigned to the RPF.

I was in shock, I wanted to cry. No way did my sister deserve this. She walked into the Sea Org to the post of Services Chief CMO IXU, which has to be one of the hardest jobs in the org! I can’t even fathom this being someone’s first assigned job. Anyway, I had to sign it because otherwise they would tell me I was too “reasonable” and would put me on the emeter to find out why. I ran to the bathroom after singing it and cried. Thank god the last person on the routing line, the ED of the org, did not sign it and said that my sister did not deserve to go to the RPF, but she did get kicked out of CMO and was posted in a lower organization, FLO, located in the same building.

I continued to witness numerous members of my staff getting kicked out due to suicidal thoughts/threats (more than 5). My fellow staff member’s husband actually did commit suicide, while others took off and blew from the organization never to be seen again. One had a nervous breakdown in front of me, and I also experienced more deaths than I thought were even possible. My dear friend from school, Stacy Moxon died by accident, several others died of cancer, some were involved in car accidents. It continued on every day till the day I left.

Now, what pushed me over the edge to leave myself?

Well, I had gotten busted from post as the LRH Comm CMO IXU because there was an area, a half of a floor, solely dedicated to LRH. It was set up like his house with one office for his messengers. One day, David Miscavige was in the building and went to use the bathroom up there and the toilet did not work (would not flush). Me and my fellow staff members were up around the clock for a week handling this, cleaning and replacing broken parts up there until the whole area was perfect. I got in trouble for this even though I did not even have clearance to enter this area until the day I was woken up by the RTC Rep in the middle of the night to go clean up there, as David Miscavige had just been there and it was a HUGE flap.

I then went on to be posted as a Pgms Ops in CMO IXU, which means you get assigned to various areas of International Management and you execute programs to establish them, forward strategies, etc.

I soon got posted over Data and the FB (which were THE guys actually managing the churches internationally). This area was a DISASTER when I took it over. The CO FB (head of this unit of all International managers) was completely in the frame of mind that the Sea Org was bad, hated many of the execs and he wanted to leave. There were tons of key positions that were unfilled, most of the staff there never slept and looked completely wasted, stats were down in the area, and in most people’s eyes the staff of this organization were all scum for getting nothing done, and letting DM bypass them (which means he is doing their job directly and handling things in their responsibility and authority zone) in getting all the orgs to Saint Hill Size and so forth. Saint Hill Size is a specific status when an organization has reached specified expansion targets.

Wow! I can’t even begin to describe all the things I ran into on this post that made me finally realize I couldn’t do it anymore. There were so many things I began finding myself in complete disagreement with. Here are just a FEW of them:

1. I was assigned to PERSONALLY deal with a bad situation that had arisen with another SO member, the CO FB. Even though this was not my job, I was ordered to write a list of confessional questions that she would be asked. I was not trained to do this. I was also ordered to get information on her from her personal folder, which is screwed up because first of all she was OT and I wasn’t, so I wasn’t supposed to be looking in there in the first place, and secondly because the information in there is supposed to be priest/penitent privileged. No one else is supposed to look at that, because it contains all of the private information that she had willingly given to her auditor with the understanding that this info would never be shared with anyone. This situation quickly spiraled out of control, and she ended up blowing (leaving without permission), and that incident turned into a major flap.

2. There was a thing called a Filter, which was two people posted to read every dispatch, telex, etc that went out of the building to ensure it was on-policy and on-stat and people were not sending conflicting directions. They were on a schedule where they stayed up until 3:45am every day so they could read all the traffic, and they slept until lunch time. The people in FB were often told they couldn’t go home until their traffic went out, and I was ordered by the RTC Rep to stay and make sure. That meant they all stayed until 3:45am to wait for this person to clear their traffic. Sometimes they would stay up and their traffic still wouldn’t clear because the Filter could not get to it, so they stayed up for no reason and couldn’t do anything about it as they cannot talk personally to the Filter, and they had to be at work at 9am while the Filter personnel slept until lunch.

3. I was put under MAJOR pressure to get the empty positions filled, which is not my job. There was an issue that came out from a very prestigious executive stating that people from my organization could no longer include postings on their programs because it bypassed the local HCOs who were the ones LRH said were responsible for personnel. However the RTC Representative posted in my building constantly cross-ordered people in my organization to fill various posts and made us report to her on them daily. What you had then was 3-4 people all storming into HCO FLO ordering various posts filled (cross-ordering each other) while HCO FLO got nothing done (it was only two people in there who were so unestablished themselves which is what are job was supposed to be). It became impossible to do anything and I knew what we were being ordered to do was totally wrong and off-policy.

4. I learned that most of Scientology’s stats internationally were actually DOWN. I was looking at many stats to qualify potential candidates for posts and stats like “First Starts in Scientology” (new people taking services) were down long-term, completions were down, etc. I thought to myself, what am I doing here if the stats are actually just steadily down-trending? I didn’t feel I had really accomplished anything, nor had the Sea Org, in the last 6 years and felt I was wasting my time.

5. I myself was getting little to no sleep. On one occasion, we were all woken up in the middle of the night because our seniors were still in the org working and were pissed that nobody else was there. We ended up staying up all night just because he was pissed at us. It was routine for me to get under 5 hours of sleep nightly and my body was completely running down. I had been ill numerous times, I got allergies that flared up really bad, I had major back aches, stomach problems, etc. I was taken to the emergency room twice for cysts. I was a mess! I was also not eating because the food was gross, we only had 20 minutes to eat and I also smoked. Since I’ve been out I have NONE of these body issues whatsoever simply because I am eating and sleeping.

6. Most of all, I missed my family! I hadn’t seen my family more than five times a year, and there were times I was denied seeing them on holidays for no good reason. I spoke to my little brother one time near Christmas (he was about 13) and he told me he wanted me to go work at the Deli nearby our house so that he could see me more, and he asked me why I had to move away and work at the Church and never see him. This was heartbreaking! I had managed to see my family on Sunday mornings which was our allotted few hours to clean, do laundry, etc. I would meet them at nearby restaurants with my sister and visit. This was cancelled as soon as it was found out about because it was considered a misuse of this time. I was very upset about this. With liberties cancelled, that virtually meant I would never be able to see my family. I remember HCO made me call my mom and dad and let them know I would not be able to meet them anymore on Sundays and I was holding back tears the entire time I was on the phone with them.

7. I also missed my passion for singing just like my father had warned me. I was 24 and felt I was missing out. I used to sing at the annual Sea Org Day when the Sea Org got time off to celebrate being an SO member, but this holiday had since been cancelled to ½ day and no performances were allowed as it was “off-purpose”. I had a karaoke machine that Jenna Miscavige (we were friends in the Sea Org) had lent me. I used to sing in my room and could at least have that comfort, but one day the Ethics Officer pulled me into HCO, and told me that they had been ordered by the RTC Rep to confiscate that from me because it was “off-purpose” and a distraction to my duties. This was very upsetting.

8. I was upset with my marriage. I had gotten married to my husband when I was 19. He was on night schedule our whole marriage so I rarely slept in the same bed with him, let alone saw him at all. We didn’t know each other very well. He had just gotten in trouble for out-ethics activities, checking out other girls and so on, and I felt this was not really love, and not what I had imagined a marriage would ever be like. He was in a lower org, so I could not talk to him about much, couldn’t cry on his shoulder, and couldn’t tell him what I was running into or anything because that information was confidential. I was in doubt about wanting to stay with him, and I think he was too.

With all this on my mind, I was miserable, crying a lot uncontrollably. I wanted to leave and almost everyone in my org knew it, but I didn’t have the balls to go through with it, so they were trying to handle me so that I would WANT to be there. I went for a security check (confessional) and I finally told them that I was thinking of blowing and had suicidal pictures in my head. I was taken off the job and put on a correction program wherein another guy from my org watched me 24 hours a day (This was Nicholai who I am now married to and pregnant with his baby).

This guy happened to be a really good friend of mine as he was posted right next to me in the organization, and we got along great. He soon was able to lift me off the ground by keeping everything really positive and fun. We were cleaning cars, moving heavy boxes and generally doing heavy labor, but he made it really fun and cheered me up. He took me for walks and tried genuinely to help me. He knew I wanted to leave and was trying to help me with all this. I had decided to get a divorce from my husband and the papers were signed and he had moved out. I decided that I could probably give the Sea Org one more chance if I could do it with Nicholai there to lift me up when I needed it. He made everything and anything seem possible and working with him was a joy.

We soon grew very close and we could both tell there was a huge amount of affection there, even though we never spoke aloud of it. We simply clicked immediately, but people around us were noticing and making a stink about it. I was not legally divorced yet as it takes 6 months to go through, and in the Sea Org you cannot have another relationship until it is fully done. We would get pulled into ethics because people were writing reports on us saying that we were flirting and “too close”. I was also getting sec checked and it never came up because I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong. We did not start a relationship, never did anything sexual, but nature was taking its course and we were definitely in love, though we knew we would have to wait.

One day it got totally out of control and we were told that even if we got through our programs and my divorce was done, we still could not have a relationship, and if we tried to have one anyway they would send one of us to Africa and post one of us in Los Angeles so we could not be together.

This really pissed us off, because we both knew how crazy it was for us in the Sea Org, and the only way we’d be able to get through it was with each other. One night when we were alone in the files room, he told me that the only way was to secretly get out of there. He had been posted in Ethics and routed out several staff and knew how it went. He said that if we did their route out process (left the “right” way) it would take months to a year and they would still separate us, and we’d never be released until we made “ethics change”, meaning that the only way they would let us leave is if we said we didn’t want to be together.

We agreed that we would blow, and he called up his uncle who was not a Scientologist and we had him come and get us. We snuck out to his uncle’s house in Santa Monica, and let me tell you this was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I was in fear for weeks of OSA Int and Ethics people searching for us. My mom was looking for us more than anyone else, as she knew that my blowing the org meant me being declared an SP and never being able to talk to her again if I didn’t go back and “route out” the right way.

She was calling the house (somehow got the number), she even showed up to the house one day, so I finally went to see her. She met Nicholai who I told her I was in love with, but I didn’t really get to explain much of what was going on. She simply was freaked out and crying and nervous, and she wanted me to get back there before I got declared and tried to talk us into going back. It was very rough because I was so shaky and scared myself, but knew I could not go back there. It was really rough.

I did not want to be declared, so I agreed to meet with Kirsten C from OSA Int who is in charge of handling people who blow and security risks to the Church. We met up with her one day and told her that we did not want to go back but were willing to do a confessional and the standard process as long as we could live outside of the SO, and drive into the org to do the process. She said this was not acceptable and she wouldn’t agree to it, even though I know of at least two others that were allowed to do this. We couldn’t come to an agreement and finally we told her we’d think about it.

I met with my parents one last time at a restaurant in Sherman Oaks. They tried to keep it light, but I could see my mom’s pain. She was so worried, she couldn’t think straight. We couldn’t have a real conversation. She didn’t ask how I was doing. She didn’t want to know more. She was simply freaking out about the fact she was about to lose her youngest daughter. I had no idea at the time, this would be the last time I would ever see her and my dad again.

A few days later Kirsten called us and told us our time was up. We told her we could not go back, and she let us know they would be issuing an SP declare on us for this.

I never received a copy of it until 6 months later when I obviously noticed that my parents had stopped any and all contact. I wrote to IJC, who is the ONLY Scientology person you are allowed to talk to when you are an SP, and told him that I had nothing in writing saying I was an SP, so I was going to go ahead and contact my parents. That same day, I got an email with two attachments, which were me and my Nicholai’s SP declares. They were full of lies and embellishments. I was so pissed that they could send this slander around about us. First of all, it says that we “blew to be harbored by two SPs”, meaning that we left and ran off to stay with other Suppressive People. These supposed “SPs” were Nicholai’s mother and step-dad who came to get us from his uncle’s as soon as they heard we were out.

The declare order also claimed that we went out-2D (had [inappropriate] sexual relations) and that I had lied to my auditor, which isn’t true because we didn’t become physically involved until we had already left. They claim I destroyed org property. It took me a while to figure out where they even came up with that, and then I remembered it came up in one of my sec checks that I broke a $7 bowl while cleaning the space dedicated for LRH and made the org pay for it. A $7 bowl became destroying org property!! I called my mom immediately and told her she cannot believe this crap about me and that it was untrue. She unfortunately couldn’t say much except that she hoped I would go through the A-E process so that I could be in good standing with the Church again.

I called my parents one other time and spoke to them both on speaker phone. I told them that I did not want to be part of that group anymore (meaning the Church), and that was my own integrity and I had to stick to it. It was the one last thing Scientology could never take away from me. They just kept persisting that the only way I’d ever see them again was to get back in good standing with the Church. They told me I was in a lower condition with the family and just had overts which is why I felt the way I did. I got so pissed and started bawling. It was actually restimulative. I felt the same way I felt in the SO – put-down, degraded and controlled, and I realized I can’t be near Scientology at all. It’s like I am PTS to the entire subject.

My mom calmed down a bit, and told me she and my dad loved me very much and didn’t want me to feel like they were choosing someone else over me. They told me they would always pick up my phone calls, and if they ever ran into me they would give me a huge hug. I felt a lot better.

I ran into my mother at a restaurant a few months ago. I hadn’t seen her in over a year. The manager was taking me and Nicholai to our seats and I literally stopped cold in my tracks when I saw her. I thought I would faint. The manager asked if he needed to call Security, that’s what a crazy reaction seeing my mother had on me! I got myself together and sat down for dinner. My mom was there with two men and it looked like some sort of business dinner. She didn’t notice me the entire time even though I went to the bathroom at least ten times just to walk by her in hopes she’d recognize me. Nope.

Finally the restaurant was closing, and Nicholai and I stayed in hopes I could pull my mom away for a second. Nope. She literally sat there talking away, the last person in the entire restaurant as if she was trying to avoid me. My husband and I went outside and figured we’d wait for her to walk by. Fifteen minutes later, nothing.

The manager came out to talk to us as he noticed something was really weird. I told him that was my mother in there that I saw. He was very surprised that I would have such a reaction to seeing my own mother, and I just told him it was complicated. I asked him to go tell her that there is someone outside to see her.

A couple minutes later, the door opened and it was my mom. She smiled and gave me a huge hug. She told me she hadn’t seen me in the restaurant, but I wonder if she just didn’t recognize me anymore. Again, she simply went on a roll about how I had to get back into Scientology. I told her I didn’t want to. I told her that the happiest time I remember in my life, and that I remember seeing my parents so happy, was those few years when they weren’t doing much in Scientology. We would go camping all the time, travel, and spend a lot of great time together as a family. My mom kind of shrugged. I asked her why she couldn’t just be in communication with me secretly. She told me she wanted to go up the Bridge, and it wasn’t possible. A few minutes later, the two men she was eating with came out, and she kissed me on the cheek and said “Good to see you, okay bye” – as if I was some friend she ran into. I was pissed, and just rolled my eyes and went to my car.

That was the last time I ever saw her or spoke to her. Then, two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I called my parents several times and left a voice mail that I had some news for them. They never returned my call, so I just left a message letting them know they were going to be grandparents. Hmmmm, I thought my mom said she would pick up my phone calls.

A few days letter, my best friend who I’ve been in contact with since I left and she didn’t care that I was declared, called me and said that her mom (who is on OT VII at Flag) found out she was still in touch with me. She told me that my mom had seen from MySpace that she was still in touch with me and wrote a report to Ethics. She told me that her mom told her it was a problem for her and all kinds of other crap I won’t even get into. My best friend told me not to worry and that if it came down to it she would lie to her mom and stay in touch with me anyway. This was comforting. Thank god my best friend would not be convinced.

Two days later, she called me and immediately started sobbing. Now, she’s about 6 months pregnant and it worried me that she was so upset and stressed in her voice. She told me that her mom told her she would have to send all her materials back to Flag that day if she didn’t disconnect from me. Her mom was on OT VII where you audit yourself from home and send in your worksheets to Flag every day, so she was going to have to quit this and send her OT materials back to Flag. She told me her mom finally agreed she would quit smoking if she disconnected from me. She said she was so sorry, but she has to disconnect for now but she does not love me any less. I told her not to worry and remained perfectly calm for her benefit.

I got off the phone and was so emotionally disturbed I didn’t know whether to cry or throw something. I felt completely stabbed in the back by my mom. I felt let down by my best friend. I felt in disbelief that Scientology does this. I felt confused why people would still be going along with all this. I found out later that my mom had just been at Flag, so I am sure she was being forced into some “handling”. She was probably labeled “PTS” for her association to me.

That is the day, I came out and posted my first post un-anonymously on Ex-Scientology I will be attending my first protest this April 12th to talk about the disconnection policy that I, my entire family, and my best friend have been victim of, thanks to the Church of Scientology. I am now very happily married to Nicholai and pregnant with my first child. We have a lot of wonderful supportive friends and are doing just fine, but it still tears at my heat every day I think about the subject of disconnection.

There’s no turning back now, and I will continue to expose the truths that I know about the Church until they have enough outside pressure to get their ethics in. I am applying all of the tech I have learned in Scientology from ethics gradients, pressure on the reactive mind to stop doing bad things, chart of human evaluation and tone scale, investigatory policies, PR, etc.

P. S. I want to stress that I do not particularly have a problem with LRH’s writings and philosophies. I don’t care what people believe in so much as the practices and policies I have seen applied by the Church staff members themselves. These are the people controlling what gets done and how the policies are being applied, and it’s twisted, evil and criminal. This is what I am fighting to stop, not Scientology in itself.

Amy Allen (maiden name: Amy Harrison)