Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:10 pm
Scientology - Love and Lies?
First, apologies if I'm on the wrong board. This is my first post.
I'm 54. For the past three mos., I had been dating a 47 yr old woman who, unknown to me, is a scientologist. She has two sons near my son's age, 9. I fell in love with her, she with me, or so she said until the end.
Anyway, it was definately a situation where she was a taker and I was the giver, if not the sucker.
There were little things throughout the relationship that didn't quite register with me. Any of them individually, would raise no concern. In their totality, I guess I should have seen some red flags but either did not, or chose to ignore.
Things like, after divorce from her husband, she chose to rent, rather than buy a house. (I'm in Nor Cal so just take my word. If you have the equity after divorce/sale of the family home, which she did, you would definately put that money into a new home and not rent because once you're out of the housing ownership market, it's near impossible to get back in, among other e.g., tax, reasons).
Things like her and her children having a very limited wardrobe and kids looking unkempt, where she had a job which would easily correct both those situations. The kids also seemed much more undisciplined than the norm.
Things like, when she would be upset, tell me (literally out of the blue) that her spirituality was very important to her and I made no attempt to either understand or appreciate that fact. Of course when I would ask, even in moments of calm, I never got anything remotely resembling a responsive answer.
Her kids, ages 8 & 10, never ever had participated in team sports. The youngest had never even shot hoops until I took he and his mother to the Y one day. I introduced the older to ice hockey and he took to it like a duck to water! (Yes, I paid).
Sometimes when I told her I loved her, she would respond, "But what is love? How can you love me if you don't know EVERYTHING about me?" Still she would tell me, on many fewer ocassions than I would, that she loved me.
When I would call, it was rare indeed that she would answer. She seemed to prefer that she call me.
She went for massages about once a week. About once or twice a month she would overnight at her "Writers Group Seminar." I think those all took place on Friday or Saturday nights, I can't remember.
At her house, she was very conscious of me kissing, hugging her in front of any windows for fear the neighbors would see. (huh?). She said she was writing a book/blogging about relationships while at least the blog centered on giving advice about how women can use men for "profit". I took this latter to be just a writing exercise and did not focus on the substance.
There was more, but you get the picture.
Last Sunday I picked her up at the airport, made a late dinner for her after she got in. All was very well and we were making plans to attend Thanksgiving dinner at a friend of mine's home. On Monday, I get an email from her merely stating that she wouldn't be attending Thanksgiving dinner and that the relationship was not wotking for her b/c of my failure to understand/appreciate some things very important to her (I have no doubt it was the spirituality thing). Well, so I'm blown away. I call, call and call and continue unil she reluctnatly answers ("I only have a minute, I'm expecting a call from my boss."). Her tone is slightly hostile. She answers nothing, but says she was dumping me because of things we had previously discussed but it was apparent to her that I could not change.
So at the end of the conversation, I say, "You never loved me, did you?" She responds, "No, I never did."
Well, that was a hellofa blow. I said good luck, goodbye and hung up.
So, how did I find out she was in fact a scientologist? Well, the email she sent dumping me turned out to be an email string between her and her ex husband. I have no doubt it was forwarded inadvertently. The contents made explicit that she is a scentologist. I did not confront her that I now knew.
So, some questions:
1. Is there anything in the little oddities I described above which would tend to suggest she in fact was a scientologist?
2. I've read that scientologists have a difficult time understanding the concept or feeling "love." True?
3. I have no doubt I was not only lied to re: she loving me, but I feel used in the material sense. Does scientology condone "lying to non scientologists" if one can profit from it?
Thank you to you all. This was my first personal experience with a scientologist. In fact I had never met one before!
Any light you can shed is graciously appreciated.
SFJim
I'm 54. For the past three mos., I had been dating a 47 yr old woman who, unknown to me, is a scientologist. She has two sons near my son's age, 9. I fell in love with her, she with me, or so she said until the end.
Anyway, it was definately a situation where she was a taker and I was the giver, if not the sucker.
There were little things throughout the relationship that didn't quite register with me. Any of them individually, would raise no concern. In their totality, I guess I should have seen some red flags but either did not, or chose to ignore.
Things like, after divorce from her husband, she chose to rent, rather than buy a house. (I'm in Nor Cal so just take my word. If you have the equity after divorce/sale of the family home, which she did, you would definately put that money into a new home and not rent because once you're out of the housing ownership market, it's near impossible to get back in, among other e.g., tax, reasons).
Things like her and her children having a very limited wardrobe and kids looking unkempt, where she had a job which would easily correct both those situations. The kids also seemed much more undisciplined than the norm.
Things like, when she would be upset, tell me (literally out of the blue) that her spirituality was very important to her and I made no attempt to either understand or appreciate that fact. Of course when I would ask, even in moments of calm, I never got anything remotely resembling a responsive answer.
Her kids, ages 8 & 10, never ever had participated in team sports. The youngest had never even shot hoops until I took he and his mother to the Y one day. I introduced the older to ice hockey and he took to it like a duck to water! (Yes, I paid).
Sometimes when I told her I loved her, she would respond, "But what is love? How can you love me if you don't know EVERYTHING about me?" Still she would tell me, on many fewer ocassions than I would, that she loved me.
When I would call, it was rare indeed that she would answer. She seemed to prefer that she call me.
She went for massages about once a week. About once or twice a month she would overnight at her "Writers Group Seminar." I think those all took place on Friday or Saturday nights, I can't remember.
At her house, she was very conscious of me kissing, hugging her in front of any windows for fear the neighbors would see. (huh?). She said she was writing a book/blogging about relationships while at least the blog centered on giving advice about how women can use men for "profit". I took this latter to be just a writing exercise and did not focus on the substance.
There was more, but you get the picture.
Last Sunday I picked her up at the airport, made a late dinner for her after she got in. All was very well and we were making plans to attend Thanksgiving dinner at a friend of mine's home. On Monday, I get an email from her merely stating that she wouldn't be attending Thanksgiving dinner and that the relationship was not wotking for her b/c of my failure to understand/appreciate some things very important to her (I have no doubt it was the spirituality thing). Well, so I'm blown away. I call, call and call and continue unil she reluctnatly answers ("I only have a minute, I'm expecting a call from my boss."). Her tone is slightly hostile. She answers nothing, but says she was dumping me because of things we had previously discussed but it was apparent to her that I could not change.
So at the end of the conversation, I say, "You never loved me, did you?" She responds, "No, I never did."
Well, that was a hellofa blow. I said good luck, goodbye and hung up.
So, how did I find out she was in fact a scientologist? Well, the email she sent dumping me turned out to be an email string between her and her ex husband. I have no doubt it was forwarded inadvertently. The contents made explicit that she is a scentologist. I did not confront her that I now knew.
So, some questions:
1. Is there anything in the little oddities I described above which would tend to suggest she in fact was a scientologist?
2. I've read that scientologists have a difficult time understanding the concept or feeling "love." True?
3. I have no doubt I was not only lied to re: she loving me, but I feel used in the material sense. Does scientology condone "lying to non scientologists" if one can profit from it?
Thank you to you all. This was my first personal experience with a scientologist. In fact I had never met one before!
Any light you can shed is graciously appreciated.
SFJim
