15 Years Old

I came home. I had only visited a handful of times since I left when I was 11. I was only visited twice. Four years had gone by but not much had changed except that I had two younger sisters. We lived in the ghetto -- one of the poorest neighborhoods in the nation. My mother and stepfather still gave all of their time and money to the Church. I made the basement my room and set out to fix it up. I had it carpeted and got a telephone. I got a job at a copy center. I got a tv. I felt almost normal.

But my mom and I still did not get along. I was a big disappointment having routed out of the Seaorg. And she was hurt because she felt I didn’t talk to her. I was reading a book which happened to have an evil mother in it and she took it personally. Still, I thought things were okay and went about building my little life. I would look at the commercials on TV for vocational schools and think that maybe I could do something with my life.

Then my brother came home for a visit over Christmas from the Seaorg. I didn’t know it at the time, but my mother and stepfather complained to him about me. They told him I was out-exchange and nattering about the Seaorg. I remember him screaming at me and me screaming back. He took away my TV and he locked me in the basement. I told him if he didn’t let me out I would kill myself. I didn’t mean it but I knew he would unlock the door. He did. He pushed me and shoved me in front of my little sisters and my mother and stepfather. With all of the indignities I had already suffered in my life - I had never been so humiliated. I couldn’t believe they were all just watching him manhandle me and not doing anything to stop it. What had I done to deserve this? I didn’t even know I had done anything wrong. My heart broke at that moment – I knew I was completely alone in the world.

15-21

Soon after that incident, I moved to Los Angeles. A friend who I had met at Flag had also routed out and moved to California with her mother and sisters. Her mother let me stay with them for 2 weeks and then my friend found me a place to stay with someone she had met who had her own single apartment. The young woman with the apartment was an alcoholic and there were 3 other people living in the single, but I had a place to stay. I got a job as a waitress at a restaurant owned by a Scientologist, and later as an office assistant at another company owned by a Scientologist. I was part of the young group of Scientologist kids who lived near or around the complex and who had to be self –sufficient – most of their parents being in the Seaorg.

I lived in the single for a while, but soon had to find a new situation as the young woman was moving away. I stayed on a few couches for a couple of weeks and finally found a spot in another waitress’s apartment. She and her boyfriend were in the bedroom and I slept on a little fold out chair in their living room. Finally I got my own apartment with a roommate. I was still 15. I never received any support from my family. Over the next several years I would always wonder what would happen if for some reason I couldn’t pay my rent. I was terrified. I would see signs on motels that advertised weekly rates and thought maybe that would be an option. It never came to this, but the fear was always in the back of my mind.

For the next few years I worked full time and hung out with other young Scientologists on the weekends. I did a course here and there, but for the most part did my own thing. Work was my escape. I was good at it, appreciated, and I didn’t have to face my own life. I made many mistakes during my teenage years, but I’ll keep those to myself.

As time went on I found it increasingly difficult to keep my feelings about Scientology to myself. I felt disingenuous by not expressing my doubts and reservations. All of my friends knew I had issues with Scientology but sort of overlooked it. When I turned 21 I had had enough. I had a new boyfriend who was not a Scientologist and I moved to the other side of town with him and his family. I told my friends how I really felt. I got a job at a non-Scientologist owned company. I cut the ties, but not completely. Somehow I still remained friends with the group of young Scientologists I had been growing up with. But from a distance.

21-Present

I remember the first time I read an anti-Scientology book – I believe it was “A Piece of Blue Sky.” I kept looking over my shoulder. I felt so incredibly vulnerable. I remember the first picture I saw of LRH that was not flattering. I was shocked. He really was just a man. Overweight, scruffy, flawed… just a man.

The next several years I spent figuring out how to live my life outside of Scientology. I tried to help my two younger sisters. One or the other of them lived with me for a period of five years. Later, one of them became very mentally ill. I am still angry that she did not receive help when she was younger. Not only was her childhood hard and her own Sea Org experience hard, but she was never able to get any help with what might or might not have been an inevitable and serious mental illness. My other sister is not much better off.

I suffered from depression. I had suffered from depression as far back as I could remember. It finally got to a point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore and reached out for help. I couldn’t understand how the world could be so cold. How could your parents not care what happened to you? How could you not have a winter coat at 12 years old? How could they not call you on your birthday? How could the adults in the Seaorg have been so cold and uncaring? I was born a sensitive person and I was hurt easily and deeply.

But I am a survivor and I did what I always did – I worked hard. I worked to support myself and I put myself through college. I received my BA when I was 30 years old. There was no way I was going to go backwards. I was never going to live the way I had as a child.

I now have a husband, two amazing children, a house, and my own business. No one telling me what to do – just the way I like it. Life isn’t perfect – no one’s life is perfect. But the more time goes by, the closer I get to what I wanted when I was a little girl and would go babysit at other people’s houses. And the farther away I get from the twisted world of Scientology.

My whole family is now out of Scientology – even my mother who started it all, and my brother who went into the Seaorg at 11 and got out when he was in his late 30’s. We have a close relationship now and I forgive him for what happened in the past. In some ways, his story is even sadder than mine. But he’ll have to tell you that himself. As for my mother and stepfather they are not so well off. They divorced and barely make ends meet. They are not eligible for Social Security benefits because they didn’t pay into the system all those years of working for the Church. They have no savings, no retirement, no health insurance, and not much of a relationship with their children. These were high-level auditors, OT’s, dedicated staff members for more than 20 years.

Over the years, people have asked me if I ever think the Church will be stopped. I always said that if it happens, it will be because of the children who grew up in Scientology but never had a choice.

Kendra, Astra & Jenna – thank you for your courage.

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