Admin note: Names of Scientologists changed or shortened to initials.

This guy happened to be a really good friend of mine as he was posted right next to me in the organization, and we got along great. He soon was able to lift me off the ground by keeping everything really positive and fun. We were cleaning cars, moving heavy boxes and generally doing heavy labor, but he made it really fun and cheered me up. He took me for walks and tried genuinely to help me. He knew I wanted to leave and was trying to help me with all this. I had decided to get a divorce from my husband and the papers were signed and he had moved out. I decided that I could probably give the Sea Org one more chance if I could do it with Nicholai there to lift me up when I needed it. He made everything and anything seem possible and working with him was a joy.

We soon grew very close and we could both tell there was a huge amount of affection there, even though we never spoke aloud of it. We simply clicked immediately, but people around us were noticing and making a stink about it. I was not legally divorced yet as it takes 6 months to go through, and in the Sea Org you cannot have another relationship until it is fully done. We would get pulled into ethics because people were writing reports on us saying that we were flirting and "too close". I was also getting sec checked and it never came up because I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong. We did not start a relationship, never did anything sexual, but nature was taking its course and we were definitely in love, though we knew we would have to wait.

One day it got totally out of control and we were told that even if we got through our programs and my divorce was done, we still could not have a relationship, and if we tried to have one anyway they would send one of us to Africa and post one of us in Los Angeles so we could not be together.

This really pissed us off, because we both knew how crazy it was for us in the Sea Org, and the only way we’d be able to get through it was with each other. One night when we were alone in the files room, he told me that the only way was to secretly get out of there. He had been posted in Ethics and routed out several staff and knew how it went. He said that if we did their route out process (left the "right" way) it would take months to a year and they would still separate us, and we’d never be released until we made "ethics change", meaning that the only way they would let us leave is if we said we didn't want to be together.

We agreed that we would blow, and he called up his uncle who was not a Scientologist and we had him come and get us. We snuck out to his uncle’s house in Santa Monica, and let me tell you this was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I was in fear for weeks of OSA Int and Ethics people searching for us. My mom was looking for us more than anyone else, as she knew that my blowing the org meant me being declared an SP and never being able to talk to her again if I didn’t go back and "route out" the right way.

She was calling the house (somehow got the number), she even showed up to the house one day, so I finally went to see her. She met Nicholai who I told her I was in love with, but I didn’t really get to explain much of what was going on. She simply was freaked out and crying and nervous, and she wanted me to get back there before I got declared and tried to talk us into going back. It was very rough because I was so shaky and scared myself, but knew I could not go back there. It was really rough.

I did not want to be declared, so I agreed to meet with Kirsten C from OSA Int who is in charge of handling people who blow and security risks to the Church. We met up with her one day and told her that we did not want to go back but were willing to do a confessional and the standard process as long as we could live outside of the SO, and drive into the org to do the process. She said this was not acceptable and she wouldn’t agree to it, even though I know of at least two others that were allowed to do this. We couldn’t come to an agreement and finally we told her we’d think about it.

I met with my parents one last time at a restaurant in Sherman Oaks. They tried to keep it light, but I could see my mom’s pain. She was so worried, she couldn’t think straight. We couldn’t have a real conversation. She didn’t ask how I was doing. She didn’t want to know more. She was simply freaking out about the fact she was about to lose her youngest daughter. I had no idea at the time, this would be the last time I would ever see her and my dad again.

A few days later Kirsten called us and told us our time was up. We told her we could not go back, and she let us know they would be issuing an SP declare on us for this.

I never received a copy of it until 6 months later when I obviously noticed that my parents had stopped any and all contact. I wrote to IJC, who is the ONLY Scientology person you are allowed to talk to when you are an SP, and told him that I had nothing in writing saying I was an SP, so I was going to go ahead and contact my parents. That same day, I got an email with two attachments, which were me and my Nicholai’s SP declares. They were full of lies and embellishments. I was so pissed that they could send this slander around about us. First of all, it says that we "blew to be harbored by two SPs", meaning that we left and ran off to stay with other Suppressive People. These supposed "SPs" were Nicholai’s mother and step-dad who came to get us from his uncle’s as soon as they heard we were out.

The declare order also claimed that we went out-2D (had [inappropriate] sexual relations) and that I had lied to my auditor, which isn't true because we didn’t become physically involved until we had already left. They claim I destroyed org property. It took me a while to figure out where they even came up with that, and then I remembered it came up in one of my sec checks that I broke a $7 bowl while cleaning the space dedicated for LRH and made the org pay for it. A $7 bowl became destroying org property!! I called my mom immediately and told her she cannot believe this crap about me and that it was untrue. She unfortunately couldn’t say much except that she hoped I would go through the A-E process so that I could be in good standing with the Church again.

I called my parents one other time and spoke to them both on speaker phone. I told them that I did not want to be part of that group anymore (meaning the Church), and that was my own integrity and I had to stick to it. It was the one last thing Scientology could never take away from me. They just kept persisting that the only way I’d ever see them again was to get back in good standing with the Church. They told me I was in a lower condition with the family and just had overts which is why I felt the way I did. I got so pissed and started bawling. It was actually restimulative. I felt the same way I felt in the SO – put-down, degraded and controlled, and I realized I can't be near Scientology at all. It’s like I am PTS to the entire subject.

My mom calmed down a bit, and told me she and my dad loved me very much and didn’t want me to feel like they were choosing someone else over me. They told me they would always pick up my phone calls, and if they ever ran into me they would give me a huge hug. I felt a lot better.

I ran into my mother at a restaurant a few months ago. I hadn’t seen her in over a year. The manager was taking me and Nicholai to our seats and I literally stopped cold in my tracks when I saw her. I thought I would faint. The manager asked if he needed to call Security, that’s what a crazy reaction seeing my mother had on me! I got myself together and sat down for dinner. My mom was there with two men and it looked like some sort of business dinner. She didn’t notice me the entire time even though I went to the bathroom at least ten times just to walk by her in hopes she’d recognize me. Nope.

Finally the restaurant was closing, and Nicholai and I stayed in hopes I could pull my mom away for a second. Nope. She literally sat there talking away, the last person in the entire restaurant as if she was trying to avoid me. My husband and I went outside and figured we’d wait for her to walk by. Fifteen minutes later, nothing.

The manager came out to talk to us as he noticed something was really weird. I told him that was my mother in there that I saw. He was very surprised that I would have such a reaction to seeing my own mother, and I just told him it was complicated. I asked him to go tell her that there is someone outside to see her.

A couple minutes later, the door opened and it was my mom. She smiled and gave me a huge hug. She told me she hadn’t seen me in the restaurant, but I wonder if she just didn’t recognize me anymore. Again, she simply went on a roll about how I had to get back into Scientology. I told her I didn’t want to. I told her that the happiest time I remember in my life, and that I remember seeing my parents so happy, was those few years when they weren't doing much in Scientology. We would go camping all the time, travel, and spend a lot of great time together as a family. My mom kind of shrugged. I asked her why she couldn’t just be in communication with me secretly. She told me she wanted to go up the Bridge, and it wasn’t possible. A few minutes later, the two men she was eating with came out, and she kissed me on the cheek and said “Good to see you, okay bye” – as if I was some friend she ran into. I was pissed, and just rolled my eyes and went to my car.

That was the last time I ever saw her or spoke to her. Then, two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I called my parents several times and left a voice mail that I had some news for them. They never returned my call, so I just left a message letting them know they were going to be grandparents. Hmmmm, I thought my mom said she would pick up my phone calls.

A few days letter, my best friend who I’ve been in contact with since I left and she didn’t care that I was declared, called me and said that her mom (who is on OT VII at Flag) found out she was still in touch with me. She told me that my mom had seen from MySpace that she was still in touch with me and wrote a report to Ethics. She told me that her mom told her it was a problem for her and all kinds of other crap I won’t even get into. My best friend told me not to worry and that if it came down to it she would lie to her mom and stay in touch with me anyway. This was comforting. Thank god my best friend would not be convinced.

Two days later, she called me and immediately started sobbing. Now, she’s about 6 months pregnant and it worried me that she was so upset and stressed in her voice. She told me that her mom told her she would have to send all her materials back to Flag that day if she didn’t disconnect from me. Her mom was on OT VII where you audit yourself from home and send in your worksheets to Flag every day, so she was going to have to quit this and send her OT materials back to Flag. She told me her mom finally agreed she would quit smoking if she disconnected from me. She said she was so sorry, but she has to disconnect for now but she does not love me any less. I told her not to worry and remained perfectly calm for her benefit.

I got off the phone and was so emotionally disturbed I didn’t know whether to cry or throw something. I felt completely stabbed in the back by my mom. I felt let down by my best friend. I felt in disbelief that Scientology does this. I felt confused why people would still be going along with all this. I found out later that my mom had just been at Flag, so I am sure she was being forced into some “handling”. She was probably labeled “PTS” for her association to me.

That is the day, I came out and posted my first post un-anonymously on Ex-Scientology Kids.com. I will be attending my first protest this April 12th to talk about the disconnection policy that I, my entire family, and my best friend have been victim of, thanks to the Church of Scientology. I am now very happily married to Nicholai and pregnant with my first child. We have a lot of wonderful supportive friends and are doing just fine, but it still tears at my heat every day I think about the subject of disconnection.

There’s no turning back now, and I will continue to expose the truths that I know about the Church until they have enough outside pressure to get their ethics in. I am applying all of the tech I have learned in Scientology from ethics gradients, pressure on the reactive mind to stop doing bad things, chart of human evaluation and tone scale, investigatory policies, PR, etc.

P. S. I want to stress that I do not particularly have a problem with LRH’s writings and philosophies. I don’t care what people believe in so much as the practices and policies I have seen applied by the Church staff members themselves. These are the people controlling what gets done and how the policies are being applied, and it’s twisted, evil and criminal. This is what I am fighting to stop, not Scientology in itself.

Amy Allen (maiden name: Amy Harrison)

Pages:[1], [2]