Admin note: Names of Scientologists changed or shortened to initials.

I was born into a Scientology family. My mom was in the Sea Org when she was 12, but shortly after blew. She then joined staff at Burbank mission where she met my dad, they married, and that’s how I came around. I do recall hanging around the Big Blue building (AOLA) when I was between 2-5 years old. My parents were on services there, and my sister and I would run around the complex. Even then they would put us to work as “volunteers” - cleaning, doing filing, etc.

When I was 5 yrs old, my parents, big sister and I moved from Burbank, CA to Palmdale which is about an hour outside of LA. I don’t recall ANY Scientology for a while here. My parents were not on course for years, and instead we did a lot of traveling, camping, and family activities. This was the most pleasurable time in my life thus far. There was no worry, no stress, no hate and confusion, just the constant love of my family and friends.

When I was 12, we moved back to Los Angeles and my sister and I were sent to Delphi LA, a Scientology school. I had a little brother who was only 2 yrs old then. I did a few courses during this time at the local Foothill Mission. My parents would bribe me by saying I could skip Summer School at Delphi if I promised to do a course at the mission during this time. I twinned with either my sister or best friend, which made it fun.

When I was 14, my sister dropped out of school and joined staff full time at CCHR. Shortly after, she was recruited straight from there into the Sea Org at the HGB building in Hollywood.

I also started getting interested in acting/singing at this time, and my best friend and I went and joined Kids on Stage for a Better World, which is one of Celebrity Center's outreach groups. It was made up of 20-50 kids who had various levels of skill in dance, singing and performing. I started taking singing lessons and getting lead solo parts in songs. We performed all over LA and at many Scientology events singing songs with good messages, including some Scientology songs as well. I was part of this group until I was 16, when I joined the Sea Org.

In the summer of 1998, I was not only practicing and performing at CC all the time, I was on course doing my Student Hat and Pro TRs. I didn’t finish my Pro TRs, so instead of going back to school after that summer, I went on course full time. This was the beginning of my recruitment process. I have to admit I think I was pretty easy for the recruiters to get me to join. I signed my contract during my first conversation with my recruiters, who were Shane and Cassie W, Jennifer G, and Dave P.

When I went home to tell my parents, they were both very disappointed. My mom wanted me to finish high school and finish the Pro TRs Course first, and my dad plain thought I would regret it. My dad is an amazing piano player and has been into music and in bands since I was born. He told me how he had left his band and joined staff at the Mission when he was younger, and he later totally regretted it because his band got signed to a record label and became successful after he left. He knew I was passionate about singing and that I had enough talent to really make it if I continued pursuing it. Even after this talk from my parents, I was still determined to join the Sea Org and I took off to my boyfriend’s house and broke the news to him. He was devastated! We were truly inseparable and had plans to marry and have kids (yes, even at 16) and we were definitely each other’s first real love. He was bawling, but said that he had always been worried I would do this at some point because he knew what a good and nice person I was and how much I loved helping people. I said my last tearful goodbye to him.

That night I was terrified and couldn’t sleep. Everything my parents told me were going through my mind like a broken record, I didn’t know who to believe. My recruiters told me I would be able to go to Gold and sing, but my dad said I would regret giving up on my singing career? My recruiters told me I would be going up the Bridge for free, so why was my mom so worried about me finishing my Pro TRs Course? My recruiters told me I’d be able to take Liberties (The day off) every two weeks if my stats were up AND I’d get three weeks of vacation time a year, so why did I have this cold gut feeling of my friends and loved ones never being seen again? By the time I woke up, and I had changed my mind as instinct told me I’d regret it.

I went into CC to tell them that I had changed my mind and wanted to just continue on course. My course supervisor routed me to Ethics to sort this out, and said I could not continue on course because going back on my decision to join was out-ethics. I went down to ethics and was met by the ED CC Int, Dave P, who was pissed! He told my recruiter, Shane, to get me on the meter because it was only overts and my reactive mind that would hold me back from doing something so good, and he wanted someone to give me a short confessional to “find out my crimes.” This obviously implies that if I don’t join, it only means I am a major criminal and MUST be hiding thing, and the ED CC Int figured if he could intimidate me or scare me enough, I would change my mind.

I reluctantly went in for an ethics interview (which is just a mini-confessional while you are hooked up to the e-meter).

After the interview, I went downstairs to the recruitment office and told Dave and Shane that the interview was great, but I still didn’t want to join the Sea Org. Dave got infuriated. He told Shane that whoever did my interview did not get me to confess to all of my sins because the end result of me getting a standard confessional would have meant me not having anymore unsaid sins holding me back from joining the Sea Org. Shane was ordered to get me on the meter with the Senior C/S (the most highly tech trained person in the entire building) and find out what I was still hiding. At this point, I thought he had gone too far and felt like I was in some inescapable maze. However, I had to cooperate because I was supposed to be on course all day to finish my Pro Trs Course like my mother wanted, but I couldn’t continue on course because they sent me to Ethics for going back on my decision to join the Sea Org. I finally went back in for another confessional and afterwards went back to the recruitment office and said that I still did not want to join. Dave Petit literally lost it at this point.

He took the papers from my interview which had all my “out-ethics” on it and went out into the hallway outside of the recruitment office where all the staff were walking to the galley for dinner. He started yelling at me that the only reason I wasn’t joining the Sea Org is because I was too busy going down on my boyfriend (which he had read in the interview). The CC Int staff looked over at me smirking and laughing. I was horrified. This was my deepest darkest secret as a 16 year old! He told me I thought blowing my boyfriend was more important than clearing the planet. I was so humiliated and upset. He wouldn’t stop. He kept going like this through all the stuff that I had said in my interview, reading it aloud to humiliate me. I finally backed down after all the harassment and said I would join.

This time, he sent two of my recruiters home with me so that I would not change my mind. Their job was also to talk to my parents and get their agreement because I was only a minor and had to have parental consent. They came in my house and made me start packing my things. They told me I had to start right away because otherwise I would change my mind again. It was Wednesday night and they said I had to join before tomorrow at 2pm (I later found out this was when they had to report their statistics to management, and I was just a statistic that they needed for the week).

My mom and dad were still adamant that they did not want to co-sign my contract, and turn my guardianship over to the org. It’s all a blur to me, but I remember my mother being ordered to come into CC with an official summons from Ethics. She too was put on the meter and talked to for hours before she finally signed. I could tell she was doing it against her will.

But that was that. My bags were packed and I routed into CC Int’s EPF right before 2pm on a Thursday morning in October 1998. I was excited and happy but scared at the same time. I was happy because I truly believed I was on some top-notch mission to save all mankind and it was all new and excited. I was scared because I knew there was no turning back. It’s not like I could try it out for a few days and leave. I had just signed a billion year contract.

That night, when I went home to my berthing I remember sitting down and bawling. A song came on that reminded me of my boyfriend, and it just hit me that I was about to lose everything. That night I tossed and turned in my bed and barely slept a wink. The room was disgusting. The shower head did not work the entire time I was there, so we had to literally take a bath every day and the water was often cold, the building was dirty and falling apart, it was by far the grossest Sea Org berthing building I saw my entire time there.

About 3 weeks into my EPF, my ex-boyfriend came to CC Int. I saw him in the courtyard talking to two of my recruiters. They came over to me and told me they were recruiting my boyfriend and needed my help. I agreed. When I walked over to join them, they were all saying that if he joined, he and I would be able to live together, and all that. It was ALL about me. I knew he wasn’t a strong Scientologist, hadn’t been on course or auditing lines for years and he didn’t talk very highly of it. I pulled my recruiters aside and told them I was very concerned that he was just joining to be with me, and that would not be fair to him, and they can’t use me to get him to give his life away. They told me they knew right now he was just doing it for me, but that he would change his mind soon enough once he started and find other reasons it was right to join. I felt terrible about this, but sure enough he was routed onto the EPF the next day when he was 19.

It was all very awful and strange. We weren’t used to a relationship under such stress, and we were told no relationships were allowed on the EPF, so we had to wait to graduate to “mock that up again”. We finally graduated around the same time, and I was posted in Division 6 at CC Int, and he was apprenticing in the President’s Office. During post (work) time, he would come and see me; he was pretty obsessed, and at this point it was a bit distracting.

It was hard enough trying to adjust to being in the Sea Org. I told him I wanted to wait to pursue anything again until I was more stable because I was working really hard and learning so much, and trying to keep up. He wasn’t very happy about this, and sure enough he started getting unstable himself and was becoming a problem.

At this point, I was the assistant to the Pub Off who was over the division of Scientology that included getting new people into Scientology, selling books, and delivering the introductory services of Scientology. I was working hard and trying to get used to the scheduling of securing at midnight and waking up at 8am as I was so used to sleeping in until 11am. I had a lot of responsibilities and juniors all of a sudden, when I had never ran anyone on anything before. It was stressful, but I managed.

My recruiters came to see me one day to try and make me go out with my ex again so that he would be stable. They literally took me off of my work for about 5 hours and stuck me in a room with my ex until I basically agreed. I did love him and wanted to be with him, so if I had to do it now or never, I guess it would be now.

The next thing was the pressure to marry him. He proposed to me a couple days later with a beautiful ring. I told him I wasn’t ready to make another commitment yet. He flipped out and got really pissed off, but I was already under a lot of stress and working hard on the job.

A few days later, I was on course in the morning and I got pulled out and asked if I knew where my boyfriend was. I was asked for information on some of his friends who were not in the Sea Org. I had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and started to wonder what was happening. The next thing I knew I was eating in the staff cafeteria and he was eating in a corner with a security guard, just the two of them. I knew something was wrong and he was in trouble. That day I got told by my senior that I was going to be going in session. I thought that would be cool.

I went in with an HCO Sec Checker (person who takes confessionals) who asked me a ton of questions all about my boyfriend. Did I commit an overt on him, with him, etc? I was confused but went along with it. A few days later, still nobody had told me what was going on, and I was pulled into the Security office. They asked me if my boyfriend had ever harassed me. I said no. They asked me about an incident in my sec check (confessional) where I had said that he got really pissed because I did not agree to marry him, and I said that was true.

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